Dear Tiggy,
How do I block out all of the negativity thrown towards the LGBT community everywhere? Family and friends aren’t supportive — they don’t know that I am bisexual — and everything they say affects me negatively.
I want to know if you have any tips to block it out because it brings me down and breaks my heart.
-Riad
You need expression, connection, and protection. We all do. This is where art comes in.
Two years ago, queer Afro-feminist blogger Spectra Speaks (the one from this column) posted a suggestion on relating to family members over the holidays not with queer theory rhetoric and social justice jargon but with movies. Her point was that storytelling, in all of its forms, breeds empathy better than a high-minded lecture. It’s not only a terrific proposal for dealing with vexing kin but I believe it’s also a great method of self-love.
Read bi and queer blogs regularly. Delve into LGBT novels (don’t miss the “classics” like Ann Herendeen’s Jane Austen-esque series), poetry (June Jordan pretty much invented bi verse), and memoirs (how about Clive Davis’s The Soundtrack of My Life?). This column will get you started on all of the online and paper bi magazines and newsletters out there.
Watch queer movies. I happen to adore Saving Face, But I’m A Cheerleader, and Show Me Love (A.K.A. F***ing Amal) but there are so many more out there to choose from. Listen to bi-positive music. When someone is saying something biphobic, put your headphones on and blast “Born This Way” by our girl, Gaga. You can stick to famous bi artists like Frank Ocean and Azalea Banks or you can look for more obscure stuff by Googling “queer music” and finding endless lists and sites.
Give yourself a broad definition of the word “art” and keep looking. Try documentaries, stand-up comedy, comic books, subversive embroidery – the works. Challenge yourself to find queer form in genres that you wouldn’t expect, like rap or horror movies. If you don’t have internet access (or privacy) at home, you might find this stuff at your public library.
Immersing yourself in pro-queer art is both a short and long term strategy. The best defense against internalizing biphobia is a good offense of LGBT-positive messages tie-dyed in uber-beauty. The world throws a hundred biphobic messages at you every day? Then you dunk into a tub with 101 droplets of bifabulous vibes — and there’s no better way to bathe than art. It will build you up over time, but it’s also good for some on-the-spot self-care right after someone delivers you a biphobic blow. Use it to decorate your Happy Place.
In addition to breathing it all in, you gotta exhale, too. Translate your own feelings into paintings and prose. This is where connection comes into play, since it’s exponentially more fulfilling to actually share your feelings with other real humans. Coming out allows for you to remind someone — and have them remind you — that being bi is the coolest, even when everyone else is telling you otherwise. If that’s not possible for you right now, maybe you can come out to people online. Then when you play Bigot Bingo at your next family gathering, you can log in and laugh with someone about your “win.”
Finally, find a way to block out at least some of the bad noise. You’re often alerted by headlines alone whether news is going to be hateful garbage with no value. In those cases, do not click. Do not open the door of your brain to trolls. Please know that there’s a difference between sticking your head in the sand about the troubles plaguing the world and refusing to be bombarded with mean and unfounded commentary on your community.
Likewise, commit to spending less time with people who always have unkind remarks about queer folks. You deserve to protect yourself from hurtful comments about your sexual identity. Once again, being out makes this easier because more people around you will implicitly be warned that you reject such views.
Expression, connection, and protection are the trinity of self-care, Riad. Infuse these elements into your life and I promise it will develop into a shield against a harsh environment.
Bob Ross and his happy trees will never steer you wrong.
© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.