Dear Tiggy,
I saw your advice column for bisexuals and was wondering if you could help me. I always knew that I was bisexual even before I fully understood it. Now I’m about to turn 23 and still haven’t quite figured out how to deal with it. I’m somewhat open about it…some of my friends and family know.
I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for a little over a year and I’m seven months pregnant. Lately, I haven’t been able to enjoy sex with my partner nearly as much as I used to (in fact, almost not at all) and I haven’t had the heart to tell him. At the same time, I find myself wanting female attention and affection. It’s driving me nuts.
I’m still pushing myself to be more open and communicative about what I want sexually. He knew before we started seeing each other that I was bi. Things have been complicated for us and not too long ago, we were both having trouble sexually. I admitted to not being able to orgasm and we just ended up being frustrated with each other and ourselves, even arguing a bit about it. Now I’m unsure how to talk to him about this, so I continue to be sexually frustrated.
I can’t see sleeping with anyone but him, yet the desire for a woman is driving me up a wall. It’s adding to my frustration and making it impossible to enjoy my partner. I have a few bi friends but none I feel close enough to talk to, so I always feel alone. Can you help?
—Wild Spirit
I suspect that a surge of pregnancy hormones is playing a starring role in your production of horniness…on Broadway (sorry, I had to). They say that you get some fierce cravings during pregnancy and they’re not just talking about food. On top of that raging storm south of the border, you’re at a watershed moment. In two months, your life will be full, fast, and completely different than before. And you can count on parenthood affecting your relationship with your partner in countless (and probably unforeseeable) ways.
So while I’m typically in favor of charging in all gung-ho and fixing a problem like some sort of sexual firefighter, in this case, I think you need to wait until everything settles. Wait until your body settles, wait until your new relationship with your partner as co-parents settles, wait until your daily routine settles. In other words, wait at least a few months after the baby is born before you do anything to address this problem. Honestly, it might just solve itself. But you don’t want to do anything rash –- like, try to find a woman to scratch your sexual itch –- while everything is up in the air. It would be awful to make such a mistake just to satisfy a fleeting urge when it sounds like you have something very special with your boyfriend.
Try to reach orgasm through masturbation, porn, and sex toys, and let your partner know that because of the pregnancy, you probably won’t be in the mood for sex until after the birth. He’ll live. You will, too. If you’re having the same problem in, say, five months, write to me again.
© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.