Dear Tiggy,
Hi, my name is Lana. I’m 23 and from Italy.
Since I was young, I’ve felt that my romantic and sexual orientation didn’t match. I fall in love with guys but I feel same-sex sexual attraction. Is this possible?
-Lana
Yes, it’s possible to have a romantic orientation that differs from your sexual orientation. I think we can credit the asexual community for introducing the general public to the idea of romantic attraction as separate from sexual attraction. (Incidentally, just as there are asexuals, there are also aromantics.) AVEN — The Asexual Visibility & Education Network — is a fantastic resource for learning more about this, even if it doesn’t necessarily relate to asexuality itself. Take a gander at the General FAQs for an education on attraction.
Allow me to offer a mere two examples of your many kindred spirits with this discussion and this discussion on the “Empty Closets” chat forums for coming out. That’s right, there are posts from other real, live heteroromantic homosexuals! You’ll see that some eventually choose to identify with a label that’s a bit more simplified. Others found that their attraction developed into something more specific over time. Still more figured out that they were demisexual and could experience sexual attraction once they had an emotional bond with a specific person. This introduced (limited) sexual opportunities with people of genders they originally thought they only enjoyed romantically.
Speaking of asexuals, you might consider getting to know their community, perhaps by participating in the AVEN Italian discussion boards. As a heteroromantic homosexual woman, you could find a terrific romantic relationship with an asexual man who is not bothered if you occasionally have sex with women. (And aces are just cool people to know anyway.) But that’s just one of many choices you have in potential fulfilling relationships. Remember, just because your romantic and sexual orientations don’t match doesn’t mean you can’t find a match.
Tim Gunn, my favorite homoromantic asexual, assures us that the need for everything to match is totally passe.
Please be aware that when I tell you that you can play with a variety of matches, I mean in your relationships. Also, under no circumstances should Axe Body Spray play any role in attempting anything sexual or romantic.
© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.