Dear Tiggy,
I’m a 31-year-old male married to a woman. I’ve always been pretty out with my bisexuality and found the gay community astonishingly closed-minded. This is about my parents, specifically my dad.
When I lived at home, I truly believe that had I tried to explain that I was bisexual and heteroromantic, I would have been kicked out. Now I’m more financially stable than my parents and several states away. I’ve been wanting recently, especially now that I’m married, to officially state to them what my orientation is. I’m sure my mom already knows and couldn’t possibly care less. She’s cool like that.
However, my dad is very religious and I think it would simply hurt him. I’m not sure if he could even understand it if I explained it to him. Lately, it’s been gnawing away at me as we’ve gotten a bit closer in recent months. I don’t know if I should just suppress it and spare him, or let it out and feel better. I’m not sure how much it would hurt him or how much it would help me. What do you think?
-Anthony
Coming out in the societally proscribed manner of sitting people down, pausing dramatically, and trumpeting, “I AM A BISEXUAL” isn’t for everyone. There are so many ways to let friends and family know that side of you. I think that in coming out to your father, you should think outside of the box.
It sounds like you’re ready to come out to your mom, so go for it. And here’s a thought: if you think it will empower her (as opposed to burdening her), tell her that you don’t have any plans as of yet to come out to your father, but you don’t mind if she tells him. Not only are you saving her from the uncomfortable position of keeping a secret from him, but you’re also allowing the person who knows him best to present the information in the most palatable way (if at all).
My take on your situation is that while you and your dad love each other, you don’t really “get” each other. There’s a pretty high probability that he won’t be able to accept your news in the way that you’ll convey it. Your mother, however, loves and gets both of you; who better to act as an emotional translator?
Once you tell your mother this, consider it done. Go forward assuming he knows on some level. I don’t foresee any talks about the men you dated prior to marrying your wife, but I doubt that would have happened in any circumstance. I think the tangible difference will be your not having to hide evidence of your sexuality anymore. That may be the closest you can get to him on this aspect of your life.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.