Dear Tiggy,
This is probably the most asked question, but how can I rebut people who don’t believe that bisexuals exist? I tend to get into arguments about this. Is there anything more I can say besides, “Yes, we do”?
—Responder
Advice columnists always say the same thing about these scenarios: don’t give a snappy comeback, just rise above their rudeness. And they’re right, that is what you should do. But ask yourself: is it more important to be right or to be a wise-ass? On Tiggy Tuesdays, the answer is always (b). (Note: everything hinges on the delivery with these, so be sure to practice.)
Cautious: “Well, I mean, maybe I’ll come out as fully gay when I’m comfortable with it. I’ve identified as bi for 17 years now, so I think in another 17, I might be ready.”
Condescending: “I know you don’t, Sweetie. It’s OK, you can understand sex at your own pace. Only married men and women ‘do it,’ and only to have babies. You just take your time.”
Confession: “OK, OK, you’re right. Bisexuality is just something that the Witness Protection Program made up. Thanks for blowing my cover, jackass. Now I have to move again.”
Current Events: “No, I’m not a closeted lesbian. I’m actually the real Whitey Bulger. I’m just really, really trying to throw people off the trail. Thank God they nabbed that old guy – who was that?”
Greedy: “People think I’m just greedy, but you’re the one denying entire genders your smoldering hotness. Aren’t you the selfish one here?
Existential: “Did you ever think that bisexuals are real, and everyone else is lying? And that we’re all just part of someone’s elaborate dream? What is the sound of one bisexual clapping?
I’m Rubber, You’re Glue: “We don’t believe that you exist either…well, the Tooth Fairy believes you exist but he thinks you’re an asshole.”
Living Under a Rock: “You don’t think bisexuals exist? I…I’ve never heard that before. What an astute view of sexuality – hey, have you heard about this new ‘Kinsey’ study that just came out?”
Sarcastic: “You’re probably right. Personally, I’m just a closeted gay but I’m saying I’m bi because everyone’s way more accepting of that.”
Responding to an ex-boyfriend: “You apparently didn’t believe that my clitoris existed either, so pardon me if I don’t take your word for it.”
Responding to a straight homophobe: “You know, for someone who purports to be so straight, you sure seem to know a lot about queer life.”
Responding to a gay friend: “We exist as much as that girl you secretly fucked six years ago.”
Responding online, A.K.A. Godwin’s Law: “What else are you going to deny the existence of —- the Holocaust?!?!”
The Flirt: “Twenty minutes alone with me, and I’ll have you believing you’re bisexual.” [wink]
The Contest: “YES! I only need three more people to deny that bisexuals exist, and then I win an iPod.”
The T-Shirt: “It’s not a phase, it’s my life.” **You can buy these in the BRC Store, just saying…
© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.