October 14, 2014 – Tiggy Upland

Dear Tiggy,

Having come out to myself, my wife of 31 years, and the world in the past year, I’m having the hardest time meeting older, bisexual men who understand my efforts to create a new phase of our marriage rather than divorce and pretend to be gay.

Where/how can I meet older, bisexual men? I live in a gay-friendly East Coast city. I joined local GAMMA support groups, MeetUps, and volunteer at a LGBTQ community center. These efforts create no friendships. I find hookups online, but they don’t lead to friends or relationships.

-Peter

Peter, I am not a man nor am I in my 50s, as you presumably are. As such, I didn’t want to address your dilemma without consulting a few bi friends with experience in these demographics. Here’s what my friend, Slick Boot, had to say:

“It does suck that that’s the reality for older single or unpartnered bi guys. But that reality has probably more to do with being male than being bi. And being male, unfortunately, more often than not, means that what is sought is primarily physical attraction, which mostly means youth, good looks and sexual stamina. You see, the main reason bi guys over 35 don’t band together is that they’re still looking to hook up with those bi guys in their 20s. Believe me, I’m not judging them as a group, mainly because I’m as guilty as any other older bi guy. We really have no one but ourselves to blame for our predicament.”

Ugh, self-defeating behavior is so frustrating. I spent a fair amount of time in a city where all of the queer women complained that only butches date femmes and vice versa…and then proceed to play into that exact system. Similarly, while I believe there is a critical mass of queer men looking for an emotional connection, they lament that other queer men aren’t…and then proceed to only seek out and respond to sex. And let’s not even get started about how we’ve all been utterly brainwashed by the ever-pounding surf of media that young = attractive and old (35+) = revolting.

This news seems like a total buzzkill but I value Slick Boot’s honest appraisal of the problems and I hope you at least find it validating. When I dug a little further with him on how he connected to guys like himself, he revealed that he did so through the fetish community. A-ha — so you can meet bi guys through other alternative sexuality fellowships! One such fellowship that I’d recommend to you, Peter, is the poly(amorous) community. They tend to be accepting of bisexuals and they won’t bat an eye at your having a primary partner. Take a look at LoveMore.com, Polyamory.org, and FetLife.com. (OK, that last one’s primarily a fetish site, but it actually has poly connections even for people who aren’t kinky.)

Another friend, Wayne Bryant, author of the excellent book Bisexual Characters in Film, says this: “Peter, the best way to meet bisexual men is through bisexual-specific events. Since you didn’t mention any in your note, there probably aren’t any in your city or you would be attending. Therefore: start one. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. Start with something simple and non-intimidating, like a brunch or dinner for bisexual men. You can post it at the LGBTQ center where you volunteer, on MeetUp.com, and on Craigslist. Nearly all of my bi male friends have come as the result of organizing community events like these. If you get something going on a monthly basis, get in touch with groups in other cities and have them link to your events, so that people looking around the web will be able to connect and participate.”

Now that’s some serious wisdom, not unlike what my pal, Dr. X, said about creating a sex club. Maybe you don’t feel that you’re the organizer type, but it doesn’t have to be complicated. I’d add these tips to what Wayne said:

If hosting a brunch at restaurant or a potluck meal at your house is not your jam, how about having a card game? It provides an activity that busies your hands but still leaves room to talk when you want. Bonus: if you have it at your home, it provides an easy way to come out as married.

You might advertise on bulletin boards in your city’s queer male neighborhood (assuming it has one) and the local LGBTQ newspaper (again, if there is one). I find that vintage queer dudes often prefer to kick it Luddite-style with paper announcements.

In your flyers/online announcement, I’d specify that you’re inviting gay and bi men in their 40s and up. Target the people you want to create the community you envision.

One more thing: in years long past, I tried many of the same stuff you have to meet more people but, like you, had trouble making lasting connections. My mistake was doing different activities in different places with different people every time I ventured out. I learned that in order to make friends, you have to become a regular. Folks need to become accustomed to your face. If you see the same people at least every week or two, whether it’s at a GAMMA meeting or the local hardware shop, you’ll start to bond. And don’t be afraid to say, “I’m going for a beer/coffee at Schmoe’s. Anyone want to come with?” as a group of you gets off a volunteer shift. These little tweaks to your social repertoire should yield better results.

Another perk of having card games is impressing everyone with your cardistry skillz.