cognitive behavioral therapy

Wild Deuces, March is Bisexual Health Awareness Month! The BRC is focusing on mental health so I hope this column helps to get bisexual brains churning about bisexual brains.

Please send your mental health questions to Tiggy at tiggyupland (at) gmail (dot) com or via Tiggy’s queer query portal so we can work through it together.

Dear Tiggy,

For the past two years, after 25 years of believing myself straight and having heterosexual relationships, I’ve been struggling with realizing, accepting, and living with my bisexuality. I wouldn’t mind being gay but the duality of bisexuality seems to be driving me insane. I find that no matter whom I talk to socially, I’m constantly worrying and assessing my feeling and intentions towards that person regardless of gender.

I’m not one to sleep around and I would like pursue a long term relationship with someone but I’m in constant fear that if I have a heterosexual relationship in the end I’ll find out I’m actually gay and in denial, and if I have a homosexual relationship I’ll find out I’m straight just with gay fantasies. I don’t want to break someone’s heart over not understanding my orientation or be constantly questioning if I’m with the right person due to their gender. These days, I don’t know what feelings or thoughts are genuine and I seem to be repeatedly anxious. The appeal of a gay or straight relationship alternates day by day, hour by hour.

Again, I wouldn’t mind being gay but the duality of bisexuality seems to be driving me mad. Do you have any advice?

-Kris

Kris, the beauty of bisexuality is that it gives you space. It provides all the room you need for your dynamic desires. You can like one gender significantly more than others, you can end up never having sex with people of one/most/any of the gender(s), you can have a bunch of relationships with folks of a certain gender and then change it up and have a bunch with peeps of another — doesn’t matter, the bisexual label still fits. It is the ultimate sexuality for anyone who expects the unexpected and doesn’t rule out change.

Ironically, it sounds like bisexuality is making you feel in limbo, which is generally known as an in-between no-man’s-land that prevents you from acting at all. Instead of giving you the freedom to be whatever you are, limbo is characterized by uncertainty and paralysis. It’s the Middle Ages’ definition of purgatory and often seen as a waiting station between your place of origin and your destination.

But bisexuality is a destination. In fact, it is a location where more people drop their suitcases and yell, “I’m home!” than homosexuality. We have a culture and a community all our own, ready to support you in your relationships and assure you that we feel the same way you do. I can tell you with certainty that the paralysis you feel — i.e. your reluctance to have relationships until your sexual identity is completely sorted out — is entirely of your own making. You have the power to embrace your bisexuality and sally forth with romantic and sexual engagements; often the best way out of indecisiveness is to simply commit to an option and advance.

And yet, it is known in psychology circles that being in long-term limbo often leads to anxiety and depression. In some ways, it’s considered as emotionally dangerous as hitting rock bottom. In addition to potentially resulting in anxiety, I believe your limbo might also be caused by anxiety. As much as I can determine from a letter, I don’t think you have Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder like some of the folks in this column do, but I suspect that you are experiencing anxiety in the form of perfectionism which is related to obsessive compulsive behaviors. (When you click on that link, be sure to read the comment from the bisexual who obsesses that they’re not bisexual. A kindred spirit!)

Your fear of hurting someone you’re dating due to being wrong about your sexuality indicates a high level of empathy and kindness, but it could also point to a desire for perfect conditions before proceeding. Sure, you might break some eggs in your relationship omelets, but we all assume that risk in love. I sense that your sexuality is simply a convenient hook for your anxiety to hang its hat on. After all, you can realize what you have is not what you want in any relationship.

I got that hat metaphor from Joseph J. Luciani’s book, Self Coaching. That and Feeling Good by David Burns are two fantastic reads on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) that I highly recommend for you to address your anxiety and possible perfectionism. Even better than books is working with a therapist who practices CBT. The goal is to change your perspective on being in limbo because, really, it can be quite terrific.

In this moving blog post, Dr. Noelle Stern compares the in-between space of writer’s block to scientific chaos, as it appears to be wild disorder but in actuality is part of a grand plan that relies on that disorder to flourish into something incredible. Such phenomena can only happen in an open system which “maintain[s] a state of non-equilibrium, keeping the system off balance so that it can change and grow.” Kris, if you were to be open to the middle sexualities, well…just think of the possibilities!

Before I leave you, did you know that the limbo — meaning the dance under the stick — originated in Trinidad among African slaves? Supposedly, it represents life’s increasing challenges as the bar gets lower, and the human spirit triumphing over death as a dancer pulls his body beneath the stick. As ever, life goes on, even in limbo.

Developing a passion for the in-between…

How low can you go?

Dear Tiggy,

Being bisexual feels, for me, like I am constantly trying to hide my sexuality, pretend it doesn’t exist, and avoid getting really close to anyone. Part of this is because I simply don’t want to deal with all the negativity and self-explaining. But there’s another reason, too.

My gender identity and expression being predominantly female, when I’m with cis men, I feel the need to protect myself in the way that prey needs to protect itself from a predator (i.e. the feeling that men want to get in my pants). And when I’m with cis women, I feel the need to make myself appear to them as though I’m safe and non-threatening to be around, i.e. that I’m not going to do something pervy or that would make them uncomfortable. With transgender or genderqueer people, it’s a bit easier because I feel some camaraderie with them. Unfortunately, I don’t meet many such people in my everyday life.

The result is that I have, for years, felt isolated. I think this isolation has contributed greatly to the chronic anxiety and depression I’ve dealt with for most of my life. I can’t seem to shake this discomfort that’s preventing me from truly opening up to people, even to my friends.

This is especially pronounced for me with my female friends, as being close with other women in a sister-like way is, when I get little tastes of it, so healing and nourishing for me. I don’t want to complicate such relationships with sexual involvement because for me there’s something essential about the simplicity and depth of friendship. Yet often times I do find myself feeling sexually and/or romantically attracted to many of my female friends. This is probably because I consciously and subconsciously decide to become friends with women I feel attracted to sexually/emotionally, this being the only way that feels safe for me to get close with such women. But in the end, it leads to a lot of ongoing sexual and emotional frustration for me because it feels like I have to constantly hold back around these friends in order to keep things in the platonic realm. I’ve even tried telling the occasional friend that I’m attracted to her, but the discomfort still hasn’t gone away for me.

This sort of purgatory is so painful. I don’t know how to relieve the anxiety and deepen my bonds with other women. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

-Lila

From the telling of it, you set up your relationships with women to be self-defeating. You seek out women you’re attracted to, form friendships with them, and then disallow yourself to be anything but purely platonic. Sure, you’re in purgatory…you ought to be, since you rented a car, filled the tank, and bought a map to it.

Are you familiar with the term “Nice Guy”? That’s capital “N” and capital “G,” and it’s not a compliment. The dreaded Nice Guy ™ is nice to pretty women ostensibly because he’s a nice guy but really because he expects to be thanked for his kindness with sex. When that doesn’t happen, he laments that women only want assholes. Now I’m not saying you’re a Nice Guy — most of the definition doesn’t apply to you at all — but you have to admit that you kinda share his romantic strategy of subterfuge. You say that you’re trying to be just friends with these women but you know that’s not true — and they can sense your insincerity, I promise you that. And what was the point of telling a few of them that you liked them? If it was to dump your feelings in their lap like a pile of Rubik’s Cubes for them to sort out while you await a catharsis…I mean, that’s not cool.

It seems that your main problem, the one from which all others stem, is that you view sex as a predatory act that one commits upon a woman. Unpacking this mindset with a trained professional will allow you to recognize how your life experiences have led to framing sex this way. After you identify where this perspective is coming from, you can practice cognitive behavioral therapy to adjust your views on sex to something more accurate and healthy. For that, you might try what’s known in the psychology world as the “cognitive behavioral bible,” Feeling Good by David Burns. I predict that Burns’s book will help immensely with your anxiety and depression as well.

Once you work out your ambivalence about sex and emotional intimacy, you can be honest with women you’re interested in and with yourself. The introspection you reveal in your letter tells me that you’ve already begun your journey to authenticity. What sweet relief you’ll feel once you believe that you can approach someone sexually without feeling like a perpetrator! You can do this, Lila. Make an appointment with a therapist today.

I think this song is about getting therapy. Or hardcore gardening. Or…grave robbing? Hmm. I hope this song is about getting therapy.

cognitive behavioral therapy

March 3, 2015

February 18, 2014