coming out tips

July 7, 2014
Dear Tiggy,

I’m 12 and I know for sure that I’m bi, although I like females a little more than I like males. I feel really scared to tell my parents. My family despises the LGBT community and I’m afraid that if I tell them, they’ll never accept me. I am planning on having my principal help me come out to my parents. I go to a Catholic school, so I feel like an outsider. How do I come out to my parents without them treating me differently and how can I be more proud of who I am?

-Kayla

July 8, 2014
Dear Tiggy,

I am planning on coming out to my parents with the help of my principal on October 11 (Coming Out Day) which is a week after my birthday. How do I cope with the negative reaction my parents will have finding out that their 12-year-old daughter is bi? How do I feel proud about being bi in a Catholic school?

-Kayla

July 30, 2014
Dear Tiggy,

I’m 12 years old and I’ll be turning 13 years old in October but I am 110% positive that I’m bi. I go to a Catholic school and I’m really worried about me coming out in that type of environment. I told a couple of my closest friends at school about it and they have become my biggest supporters. My friend helped me talk to my principal about it and she told me to wait until I turn 13 to confirm it.

I still strongly believe that I’m bi but I’m too afraid to tell my parents. My parents aren’t okay with the LGBT community at all so it’s hard for me to deal with the fact that eventually I have to tell them that I’m a part of it. How do I come out in a way for them to accept me and how should I react if they don’t? Also, what are the some pros and cons about coming out?

-Kayla

Kayla, you’ve found my weakness: being relentlessly pursued! I do love a good chase. Well, you finally caught me, you ol’ saucebox, so I think that means I have to grant you three wishes. I hope advice on your three questions will suffice. Fortunately for me, they’re all the same question.

I think the query I get more than any other is “How do I come out?” but it comes in different packages. Most Wild Deuces write to me with just that line and little to no other information. I can’t help those people; coming out is such a personal act and any tips I might have to ensure safety and increase the chances of a positive response would be extremely specific to each situation.

Often when I get that plea, I’m unsure of what the letter writer is really asking. Coming out is not really about the “how.” There are many ways you could come out, whether armed with further educational material or empty-handed, canned or improv, with a bang or a whimper. It’s more about the “why” and the “should I?” — do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks? Again, it’s crucial that the answers are specialized to the coming-outer.

I see that you’ve already answered both “should I?” and “how.” Asking your Catholic school principal for help is a bold move, and rather brilliant. It will be good to have an adult with you to mediate the interaction, and from your description she sounds like a level-headed lady. You’ve also developed a cadre of supporters among your friends, for which you’ll be especially thankful as you work this out with your family.

I understand that you want your parents to accept you and not treat you differently but this is the part where your only option is to adjust your expectations. The fact is, your family is Catholic (I assume) and you know they don’t like LGBT people. There is a small chance that they’ll have an immediate change of heart about queer people once they realize that their beloved child is one. You need to prepare, though, for the more likely possibility that this is going to take a lot of getting used to for them. To be honest, I don’t know if I would have recommended that you come out right now considering how long six more years under their roof and in a Catholic school will feel if they take this badly. But it sounds like you’re determined and you’ve laid some excellent groundwork for your big post-birthday surprise.

Here are a few tips that might be useful:

Read the BRC’s “Coming Out As Bi” webpage in the “Youth” section and watch the videos.
Get in touch with a queer youth organization in your area to bolster your support network.
Read this letter to parents of bi kids. If you think it would be helpful to your parents, print it out and give it to them when you come out.
If your parents are struggling with reconciling your bisexuality with their faith, point them toward the Dignity website.
As I counseled a Deuce coming out to her college roommate, you should tell them what “bisexual” means to you.
Like I told this other Deuce, don’t tell them you think that “everyone is bisexual.” Speak to your own feelings.

They will almost definitely claim that you’re too young to know what your sexuality is and that this is a phase. Probably what would work best is not to engage in the argument at all, simply replying, “I want you to be prepared if it isn’t.”

I think your real question, the real question behind every coming out letter I get, is, “How can I come out so that nothing will change?” You can’t. You can’t make them have the perfect reaction. Life is messy. But you’re opening the door to something more authentic, more magical, more you than you can imagine.

Here’s 13-year-old Jojo encouraging you to Get Out (of the closet). That’s peer support right there.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m about to face an issue that lots of LGBT people have to deal with: college and, more specifically, dorm rooms.

I’m going to the University of Miami in the fall and I already know who my roommate will be. She is so awesome and we really hit it off. My worry is coming out to her. I would really like to have a girlfriend and that’s not something I want to have to hide from her.

I’m not out to anyone else at all. Also, my roommate lives in Shanghai which supposedly is not an LGBT-friendly place. (I don’t know if that’s true or if it matters.) My question is: how do I come out to her? Do I do it now or do I wait until she knows me better? Do I do it by having a long serious conversation or do I just say, “Hey, by the way, I’m bi?”

-Jessica

Congratulations on getting into U. Miami and soon embarking on the exciting adventure that is higher education! It bodes well for the upcoming year that you and your roommate are already getting along.

Let’s get the Shanghai thing out of the way first: it’s too hard to tell what she might think about having a female bisexual roommate based just on that. In general, the signs are good: Shanghai is a gigantic, multicultural city — I’m talking almost three times as big as NYC with more than twice the number of ethnicities — so residents are used to mixing it up with a pile of different people. There are lots of variables here, though: Is she from Shanghai proper or the suburbs? Does how she feel about queer men differ from how she feels about queer women? What are her thoughts on bisexuals specifically, as opposed to gays? This sociopsychological experiment is getting too complicated for the Upland Research Lab, so we’ll just figure that she’s a bit more cosmopolitan than the average bear and that’s probably a good thing.

I’m sorry to report that there’s no one “correct” way to come out to ensure a good response. But if you’re asking what I would do in your shoes…

Wait until she knows you, but don’t wait too long. If she already knows and likes you as a person, I believe she’ll be more likely to accept any traits attached to you. I think telling her a week after you’ve moved in together would give you both time to enjoy the rush of new experiences and bond with each other while demonstrating that you addressed this in a timely manner.

Throw out some flags that could prompt an organic conversation. Ask her if she’s OK with you putting a “Safe Space” pink triangle sticker near your door, put some bisexual buttons on your bulletin board or your bag, write “Going to the LGBT Center, BRB” on your dry erase board, etc. These actions will also make it easier to generally be “out” right when you start college.

If you bring it up, don’t act like you’re telling her you have cancer. If none of the above signs result in her approaching the topic, you should do so yourself about a week in. Pick a time when you’re alone and not rushing around; studying together in your room one afternoon should provide a good opportunity.

Accept that you’re going to be nervous and you’ll execute the whole thing in a rather ham-fisted manner — that’s OK. It doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be done. Start with something like, “Hey, so, there’s something interesting about me that I wanted to share with you.” Try to sound upbeat.

Tell her what “bisexual” means to you. You can say, “I identify as bisexual,” and then, “That means…” and tell her what that means to you. Perhaps: “I’m open to dating people of any gender, not just guys.” You might want to use Robyn Ochs’s definition or, if that’s too complicated to memorize and deliver, just post it in your room somewhere for reference.

Tell her what this means for her. You can say, “I wanted you to know so you aren’t taken by surprise if I go on a date with a woman, for example.” You could also head off her fears at the pass and provide a little comic relief by saying, “By the way, although you are obviously the most intriguing and beautiful woman in the world, I understand that you are not interested in women in a romantic way, so I’ve decided not to attempt to mate with you. You’re welcome.”

Let her know where you’re coming from. You can tell her that she’s the first person you’ve come out to. That will alert her that you’re a bit vulnerable while also conveying that you trust and respect her.

Find community support. You might want to check out SpectrUM meetings right away. It will feel much better to say, “Alright, you guys, I’m planning on coming out to my roommate tomorrow, wish me luck!” to a group that can respond, “Here’s how I did it. We’re here for you no matter how she reacts. You got this!” If you feel that you can trust your R.A., you could also tell her in advance.

Nothing left to do but jump in with both feet, Jessica. You can do this! Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

Hey, it’s dorms at U. Miami!

Hey, it’s queers at U. Miami!

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 19, 2014

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