Dear Tiggy,
I’m a 58-year-old, twice-divorced man. Ever since I hit puberty and had some homosexual encounters with a cousin and other pubescent male friends, I’ve desired the sexual activities but have zero-zip-zilch emotional connection with men.
I NEVER look at a man and say, “Wow… I’d really like to [sexual activity].” But I always notice women, am attracted to them – and they to me – and enjoy both sex and emotional connection with them. However, for years, I frequented adult bookstores with video booths with glory holes and performed oral sex on many men anonymously. I also have had anal sex with men less than a dozen times. After the physical encounters, I experience the most debilitating shame and guilt to the point of suicide (which I obviously haven’t carried out since I’m still here).
I haven’t done anything with a man in a very long time but the desire is still there. I think about it every day. I wish I could satisfy the physical desire, but there’s just no way that I would ever want a real relationship with a man. My relationships with women are positive and fulfilling, yet this other desire is always present. I’m in a relationship with a woman now (not living together, though) and she would not tolerate this kind of behavior.
Any thoughts, ideas, “cures”?
—Crater Lake
My dear, I am neither willing nor able to “cure” you of human sexuality, as there is nothing sick about it. From where I sit, your problems regarding this issue are: 1.) post-sex shame/guilt, and 2.) securing an optimal emotional and sexual situation.
For the first, I’m so sorry to hear that shame and guilt over something that is not wrong is eating you up. If you’re ever suicidal again, please call 1-800-SUICIDE immediately. When your brain is set on self-destruct over something as benign as consensual sex between adults, you are not thinking clearly. One of the hotline counselors can talk you down until you realize how senseless and terrible it would be to take your own life.
There’s only one way I know of to get rid of shame: you have to get your secret out. It’s been locked up in your mind, festering and poisoning you, making you think crazy things like that you’re bad for doing what you do. Unburden yourself from this secret and feel the weight lifted from your shoulders. Say it out loud.
I’m sending you on a Get-It-Off-My-Chest Mission. Don’t start out by shouting it from the rooftops, though; pace yourself…
1. Tell one person online who you’ll never meet anyway. (Hey, you already told me – nice job!)
2. Tell more people online: chat anonymously with likeminded folks on one of the Craigslist discussion forums.
3. Tell a therapist: let him know that you want to work on alleviating shame surrounding your sexual behavior.
4. Ask him to recommend an appropriate men’s conversation group. Tell the people there.
By then, you’ll hear that other people have the same sexual and romantic feelings and activities as you. I promise that experiencing that validation is unlike anything else.
As for the second, that’s what we’re all looking for. You’re really not that different from everyone else, I swear. Maybe you’ll decide that you can live without having other sexual partners as long as you can stay with your lady. Here’s a secret that I told Conan O’Brien: nobody gets exactly what s/he wants in this world. “Good enough” can be pretty darned good. However, if I may say so, it doesn’t sound like you’re content with the status quo.
I think you’ve done some great work in identifying your ideal situation: a sexual and emotional relationship with a woman, with the freedom to have the occasional sexual encounters with men. If you want to stay with your current partner, at least consider asking her if she would be amenable to an arrangement that meet your desires. As they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
If you and she decide to part ways, you might find some folks on your Mission whose desires match well with yours (like people in the poly community). Of course, it’s hard to negotiate your needs with a potential romantic partner, and yeah, some of them might “run screaming from the room,” as it were, but you know what? Lots of them won’t. Many of them will have their own quirks to bring to this bargaining table. Some of them will even be turned on by what you’re into. And if you’re lucky, one very special character will fit you perfectly.
Courage, friend. Check back in to let us know how your Mission goes.
© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.