Dear Tiggy,
I’m a lesbian who is dating a bi woman ten years my senior. We’re trying to figure out how to consolidate housing. The thing is, she had a rough divorce when her son was two and survived being a single parent by keeping all of her relationships at arm’s length.
Now that things have heated up between us, she has gone ice cold. Her house is more than an hour commute from mine, and I already spend three hours every week day commuting to and from work. From my house, which she helped me pick out two years ago, her commute to work is only half an hour, and a bus stop that we could both use is a couple of miles away.
Her son is a sophomore in college and on break right now, so she wants to be with him and put our relationship on hold. Since my house is a cottage, we would need to build an addition for her son to have his own room. She thinks instead of selling, she should just close up her house while her son is in school. I don’t like that because I want us to all live together, which means she has to sell or rent out her house.
I am only the second woman she has dated, and the first was long distance. She has started coming out but it’s sporadic so, for example, I don’t get invited to some family functions. We really love each other, but I think her experience with men in particular made her feel like she has to be totally independent from any partner, both financially and emotionally. She doesn’t seem to understand that I cannot go back in a closet –- I’ve been out for 20 years!
We really need help turning this corner, possibly through a couples’ counselor. She feels like she could use someone to talk to who understands her coming out process, since she has lived in a straight world for umpteen years. What do you recommend?
-Let Bi-Gones…
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head: this isn’t so much about housing logistics as it is her comfort in being totally out. Good for you for showing such compassion, from suggesting a couples’ counselor (instead of just a therapist for her) to preferring a professional who specifically deals with issues of bisexuality. I’m sure you’re frustrated with this, having been out for a score and in this relationship for at least two years, so your balance between patience and looking out for your own needs is commendable.
Please call or write to the BRC (617-424-9595, brc [at] biresource [dot] net) and tell us where you live so we can find you a bi-friendly therapist in your area. We can also suggest some local resources for your girlfriend that will give her the proper support as she begins to fully accept herself. There’s a whole bisexual community waiting to welcome her!
I’m optimistic that you two are on your way to getting closer, geographically and emotionally. The BRC is looking forward to hearing from you.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.