Dear Tiggy,
I am a 30-something bisexual lady who has been happily married to a dude for five years. I feel pretty invisible to the community sometimes, but I know who I am what I’m about and I no longer need to shout it from the rooftops anymore. I’m very happy, if a little lonely in the queerness.
I have always been out and proud (including to my family) and I think I mostly lesbian-identified for a long time. I’ve always appreciated that the people who cared most about me never batted an eye when I told them I was dating and later marrying a guy.
Recently I have had a couple of “Facebook reunions” with (straight) guys I was friends with back in the gay days. Both of them needed to have the “I thought you were gay” talk with me. For one of them, I suspect it was the only reason he made the effort to get together. I felt awkward having to explain that I was always bi, and the whole spectrum of sexuality and how it’s fluid, blah blah blah to these otherwise really hip, accepting dudes. I suspect both of them of having been interested in being more than friends in the past. They both had that “If I had known…” kind of tone. We were also friends enough that they were comfortable asking me directly about this. Blessing or curse? I don’t know.
Anyway, I swear if I never have the “I thought you were gay” conversation again as long as I live, it will be too soon. I can’t help wondering if these dudes (and it’s only ever been straight guys) would go to the same lengths to have the same conversation with someone they always thought was straight who then married someone of the same sex. Is this a double standard? Am I over-reacting? How should I handle these questions in the future? Neither of these guys is a bad or homophobic person. I just feel like I’m back in that teenagery place of feeling like I have to explain the mechanics of my attractions or somehow justify them. Help!
—Roxy’s Paw
You bring up an interesting point: no, I don’t think they would make as big a deal over a presumed straight friend who married someone of the same sex. But that’s because they would figure the friend to have been closeted, whereas no one expects a person they believe to be gay to actually be a closeted hetero.
Most people have to suffer some oft-repeated and bordering-on-offensive conversation about their perceived bizarritude, like, “Didn’t you used to be a lesbian?” or “Where are you from? [to someone not white]” or “Why don’t you drink?” or “Wow, you’re tall, how tall are you?” I certainly wouldn’t say you’re overreacting but when I receive one of these Questions That Hell Wrought, I allow the initial query, having accepted that it’s human nature to be curious. My response is pithy and canned, and I suggest the same for you. “No, I’ve always identified as bisexual. I dated lots of women in the past but now I’m with a man.” Asked and answered, change the subject.
I find that this first inquiry can be an innocent request for clarification or attempt at small talk. It’s the follow-up questions that tend to be shockingly offensive: “So do you two have sex?” “No, really, where are you from? You can’t be American. Is it one of those little Asian countries?” “I’ll bet someone attacked you once when you were drunk, right?” “How long is your dick?” You have every right to abruptly beg off or, in a situation like yours with generally decent friends, tell them that you don’t understand what they’re still confused about and that their questions are making you uncomfortable. By the way, it sounds like your gut suspicion -– that these guys had a thing for you -– is right on the money. That still doesn’t mean you owe them an explanation.
At the base of all of this is bisexual invisibility, as you’ve surmised. It’s a cross that we bear, at least until we succeed at changing the world. Just remember: you’re not invisible to OUR community. Many of us are in monogamous relationships, lots of us used to identify as gay, and pretty much all of us know how it feels to be treated like no one knows you’re here. But the more you stick with the bisexual community as we grow and band together, the easier it will be to deal with expected annoyances like this.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.