Oh, Wild Deuces, do I have some fun for you this bi-week. Instead of answering the latest question all by my lonesome, I’ve teamed up with Lorelei Erisis, a bisexual trans woman who is the brains and beauty behind the Ask A Trans Woman column in the Rainbow Times! Dust off your ear trumpet and listen in on our conversation about this bi cis woman and her trans girlfriend…
Dear Tiggy,
I hate to ask the age old “Am I bisexual if…” question, because I know I’m the only person who can answer that for myself, but here goes.
When I was younger, I was emotionally/romantically attracted to boys, but rarely felt sexually attracted to them. My friends would talk about how “hot” certain guys were and I just never got it. However, I’ve always felt emotionally/romantically and somewhat sexually attracted to girls, though in the past I didn’t understand these feelings and didn’t talk about them.
In high school, I started dating. I ended up dating this one guy for two years, and I really loved him, but I never felt a sexual attraction toward him. I just wanted to snuggle and maybe kiss. I felt guilty for not wanting to take things further because I know it hurt him. I guess now I realize I couldn’t control that.
A while after we broke up, I started dating someone else. After a few months of dating, my new “boyfriend” came out to me as a trans girl (who isn’t out to everyone/hasn’t started transitioning yet). I actually asked her and knew for a while before that, but when I knew for sure, I felt so happy!
We’re still together, and I’m very much in love with this girl. This is the first time a relationship has felt right for me, and I can’t help but wonder if part of that is because she’s a girl, or if it’s just because we’re good for each other in general. I have a hard time imagining myself with a guy now or in the future, not because I don’t think I have the capacity to love them romantically, but because that guy would have to be willing to keep sex to a minimum.
Is it still worth identifying as bisexual if I lean so much toward one side of the spectrum? Would it hurt my girlfriend’s feelings, who still hasn’t started transitioning yet, if I told her I was lesbian? I am very attracted to her and I think she’s beautiful, even if just by her mere spirit and femininity alone. And is it possible for sexuality to change over time, or does sexuality stay the same throughout life? Is it wrong for me to say that experience has shaped my sexuality?
~J
TU: Hi, Lorelei! Are you ready?
LE: Yeah, fo’ shizz. Let’s lesbian! (That’s a verb meaning “discuss.”)
TU: Hee! OK, so since I, Tiggy Upland, am cis, I wonder if you’ll indulge me as I posit how her girlfriend might respond to her identifying as a lesbian. Then you can tell me, O Wise Trans Woman, whether I’ve totally missed the mark. Up for it?
LE: The Wise and Powerful Trans Woman will answer your query!
TU: MOST EXCELLENT. So, I feel like everyone in this world just wants to be seen. We want to be acknowledged and, ideally, appreciated for how we really are. It hurts when we’re seen incorrectly or not at all. So for the letter-writer (LW) to say, “I’m a person who loves and is attracted to only women, and I love and am attracted to you” to her girlfriend who is just on the cusp of transitioning…I mean, I have to think that the girlfriend would feel really loved for who she is. Is that on point or maybe not?
LE: Yeah, I think that’s very on the mark. For a transwoman to have her cis lover identify as a lesbian can be very affirming. Personally, I don’t think the LWs girlfriend would very much object to the LW identifying as a lesbian because, well, they both identify as women. So, “lesbians” is fine.
TU: Generally speaking, lesbians is always fine. Particularly, fine lesbians.
LE: When I came out and began my transition, I was in a long-term relationship with a cis woman and I sort of kept finding myself being identified as a lesbian by default.
TU: Oh, interesting. Were you OK with that or not really?
LE: Well, I never really considered myself a lesbian. But it didn’t bother me either.
TU: You’re so easy-going. It’s hard to use you as a litmus test for whether behavior is offensive because The Erisis Way is just water off a duck’s back, baby.
LE: What was fun was to watch people’s reactions go from, “OMG, a giant trans woman!” to “Sweet Jaysus, she’s a lesbian, too!”
TU: People’s reactions are often the funniest part about life.
LE: Definitely. It’s one of the things I enjoy most. Now, of course, there is the issue of bisexual erasure. People identified me as a lesbian, but I identified as pansexual/bisexual and very, very queer.
TU: Well, here’s the tricky part of this letter: I wonder whether the LW is bi, only because she is wondering whether she’s bi. So is this really a case of bi erasure?
LE: Oh, possibly not. I think she’s actually acknowledging her journey more than anything else.
TU: I agree. You’ll notice that she didn’t want to give me the ol’ “Tiggy, tell me whether I’m bi” gambit because she knows that I’m going to say, “Only you know that.”
LE: Preach! I know my own sexuality has changed radically over the years.
TU: Oh, let’s dig into that part of the letter: whether your sexuality can change, and whether it’s OK to publicly acknowledge that if that’s your experience. I think this philosophy is often seen as a ticking time bomb because it’s a slippery slope from “My sexuality changed” to “I can change my sexuality” to “I can change from queer to straight.”
LE: Politically, it’s a very slippery slope. Personally, I think that attraction and sexual preferences are incredibly complex and subject to a whole host of influences.
TU: I feel about it the same way I feel about God, the universe, etc. (I’m UU/agnostic): I don’t know how it all works and neither does anyone else.
LE: For me, I have found that the best way to assure I will find myself attracted to a type of person is to swear I would never be into that type of person!
TU: Ha, oh that’s so true.
LE: I was raised UU and I’m a practicing Discordian. My goddess, Eris, likes little more than to mess with what I think I know for absolute sure.
TU: She must be my goddess, too, then. Well, so, what’s the truth? Is it some people’s truth that their actual sexuality changes? And if so, can we control that? Is it “wrong” to admit that?
LE: I have personally found very little success in intentionally trying to change who I am attracted to. I think it is some people’s truth that their sexuality changes and I don’t think it’s wrong to admit that.
TU: It can be a very threatening concept to monosexuals.
LE: Yes. People like to think everything is all laid out and neat. Done. Determined. Figured out. Not subject to change. Because change is scary.
TU: Perhaps a dynamic sexuality is a fact of life for some people, but not something that we can harness. [pause] I sure do hate a difficult harness.
LE: Yessssssss. I hate a difficult harness, too!
TU: [snicker] We’re terrible.
LE: Mwuahahahahhahahahahaaaa! But really, I think if you can be open to a dynamic sexuality, it can really be a wonderful thing.
TU: As much as I say that only you can determine your sexuality….well, she did ask, so I’m going to take the liberty of saying that maybe her sexuality hasn’t changed. In carefully reading the letter, one could make a case that she’s been homosexual but biromantic her whole life.
LE: Good call, Tiggy! So the only thing that has changed is who her partner is. And her partner is a woman; she just happens to be a trans one.
TU: I had a good friend who seemed to have a major personality change around the time when we were 18. I came to the conclusion that she actually hadn’t “changed,” she just expanded a part of her personality that I hadn’t noticed as much — or had ignored — before. Maybe that’s what’s happening with the LW: a part of her just became more prominent or developed.
LE: We show different faces to the world as we move through life. I was always Lorelei Erisis but I’ve worn different faces.
TU: I’m not necessarily saying that one’s sexuality can’t change. I’m just offering a theory that maybe hers didn’t become something different so much as her relationship brought out pieces that were always there.
LE: Indeed. Her relationship has allowed her to make new discoveries about what was already inside of her. I’m also guessing from the chronology that the LW is fairly young. At around that age, I had a lot of discoveries about my own self still many years down the line. I’m not saying she will change, but that she might. There is still a lot of life ahead for her.
TU: Of course, the feelings of so many young bisexuals are often dismissed because of their age/sexuality. But I think we’re just saying that there’s more to uncover. So, would you tell this LW how to identify? I still think I can’t but if you want to, give it a shot.
LE: Heh. Surrrrrrrrre! I would tell her that if “lesbian” resonates with her, to go with that. Labels, at least for me, aren’t all that bad. They are just a filter for understanding ourselves as we are in this moment. If she feels different down the line, she can change her identity as often as her clothes, if that’s what works for her.
TU: I had a column a while back that said your sexual identity is like a favorite shirt. If it doesn’t fit after a while, just get a new shirt!
LE: Oooooohhh, I love getting new clothes!
TU: Of course, some prefer to go topless and that’s valid, too. Rest assured, I will always validate toplessness.
LE: Some things find solidity in our lives. Who I’m attracted to has changed; that I value kindness has not.
TU: Some things are not at all dynamic, like my love of topless friends. Actually, this might be a good point to make a public service announcement: some folks fear that since they’re attracted to unhealthy people now, they always will be. And I’m here to say that is definitely something that changes as you grow as a person.
LE: Definitely.
TU: And thank goodness. And thank Eris.
LE: Hail Eris indeed!
TU: Yeah! Have we left anything out of the letter that we should address? Perhaps you have some final strokes of brilliance?
LE: I would tell the LW to enjoy the moment of being in love with her trans girlfriend. Try on the identity of “lesbian” if that is what resonates with you. Be in the moment. And if it all changes later on, then that’s okay, too.
TU: That’s so great. Yes, be in love! Get lost in the swirling vertigo of connecting with a fellow human. So rare, so ubiquitous, so unique, so yours. Hug her in the summer sun.
LE: Isn’t that what all this is all about anyway? Being alive and loving and experiencing and tasting the whole thing that life has to offer!
TU: You know, you shouldn’t have made this chat so fun because I’m going to insist that we do this again at some point. Until then, I’m going to be jealous of your long, luxurious hair from afar.
LE: I think that’s a glorious idea! My hair appreciates your jealousy. Slainte!
My ultimate vision for a collaboration with Lorelei is a queer version of “Girlfriends” talk show in which I’m the Morgan and she’s the Kyra, naturally.
© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.