November 26, 2012

Dear Tiggy,

My daughter, who is a 17-year-old high school senior, recently told me she is bisexual. I feel like she has been lying to me for years and this has taken a huge bite out of my total trust in her.

Now she wants to not tell her dad or stepmom and I am upset that I will be forced to lie about her to others. She is very involved in her schools GSA – in fact, she’s the president – and I have been asked by several people if she is gay. In the past, I always said “no,” but now I feel like that would be a mis-truth.

Should I encourage her to tell her dad and stepmom or leave it up to her? She is afraid of their reaction, fearing it won’t be good. Also, how should I answer curious gossipers when they get nosy? I want to be supportive and not destroy our fragile friendship but I also need to be the parent and guide her.

-Want To Be Supportive

Imagine you are your daughter. You’re 17 so you’re just starting to figure out who you are, which can be confusing and scary. As a teenager, you’re still pretty dependent on your parents’ approval. Some feelings are coming up, feelings that you can’t control. Sorting them out to any degree takes time. Eventually you realize that if you share them, your friends and family might not like you anymore; if you don’t, you might explode.

Can you see how terrified she must be? It speaks volumes about the strength of your relationship that she trusted you with this information. She needs you now. Framing this as a betrayal misses the point. She was likely questioning her sexuality for a while before knowing enough to come out to herself, never mind anyone else. And once she reached that point, she had to risk disappointing you – her mother, her world. None of this has anything to do with breaking your trust.

Can you also see how all of her options for handling this are pretty lousy? Being burdened with someone else’s secret is uncomfortable…but not as “uncomfortable” as your daughter losing her father and stepmother’s acceptance, right? Tell her privately that you don’t like the secrets and lies so if they ask you about her sexuality, you’ll tell her father and stepmother to direct any personal questions about your daughter to her. If she then chooses to lie to them, please stay out of it. Your daughter needs to feel that she has her own agency in disclosing this personal information.

Nosy gossips are much easier to deal with, as they should be ashamed of asking about the sexual proclivity of a minor. Master a polite-but-confused smile and flash it as you say, “I don’t discuss my teenage daughter’s sexuality in public” (the unspoken coda being, “…obviously, you boob”).

By understanding what your daughter is going through, you can let this new reality bring you closer. Read this, consider visiting a local PFLAG chapter, stand by your girl, you’re going to be fine.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.