Dear Tiggy,
I started questioning my sexual orientation when I was 15 years old. When I came out to my mom as a bisexual, she said it was just a phase. Since I had a serious boyfriend at that time, I sort of forgot about my bisexuality and didn’t think about it for years, until now at age 20. I noticed that I was pushing women (my own gender) out of my life and it got me wondering whether I was doing so because I like them and that scares me.
I decided to go to the local LGBT Center — thank God we have one in my small city (Kherson, Ukraine). I met lots of lesbian girls and a few days ago, they asked me to hang out and play guitar with them. It was fun and I even met a girl who I liked. It seemed like she liked me too, so I asked her to share a cab home with me. I think she knew that I wanted the chance to be alone with her. As the evening wore on, we were already sitting closer to each other and holding hands. We ended the night at a gay club which was so liberating! I kissed her a lot and we danced slowly…it felt great.
But the next day when we went for a walk, it was very different. I had all of these thoughts in my mind, imagining myself hugging and kissing her, but I couldn’t make a move at all. She wasn’t proactive either, probably because she knows that I am not sure of myself and didn’t want to push me.
Is it possible that I was just drunk that night at the club, and that’s what caused my behavior? Or maybe I am so afraid of my feelings that I freeze up any time I think about touching her? I am still attracted to guys, in some ways a lot more than towards her or other girls. Also, she and I are pretty different and don’t have things to talk about, which makes it difficult for me to spend time with her.
I haven’t really had women in my life for a long time and I feel uncomfortable around them. Since I started questioning my sexual orientation again, I can’t ignore women when I’m in public. I like to smell their perfume, to watch their figures, their faces…we have a lot of beautiful and sexy women in our city!
Basically I thought that going to LGBT community center, spending time with the people there, and trying gay relationships would help me. I’ve always had these thoughts in my mind about girls but when it comes to reality, I can’t do it. I am nervous and I want to forget about it and just be as I was. Being with guys is so much easier for me; I know for sure when I am attracted to a guy or not. With women, it’s different: sometimes I see a girl and I know for sure that I like her, sometimes I don’t.
I can’t take it anymore…it’s exhausting. I want to know the truth and to be real with myself and then just live a normal life. Thank you!
-Lera
“Is it possible that I was just drunk that night at the club, and that’s what caused my behavior?” It’s pretty unlikely. Alcohol doesn’t make you do things that are totally out of character so much as it lowers your inhibitions and calms your anxieties. And being tipsy that night wouldn’t explain starting to question your sexuality five years prior, nor could it have prompted you to go to the LGBT Center in the first place.
“Or maybe I am so afraid of my feelings that I freeze up any time I think about touching her?” OK, I think you’re on to something with this theory.
I believe that you want to get out of this “questioning” period but I also think that as you begin to get closer to identifying as not-straight, your subconscious panics and thrusts you back into questioning. “Are you sure we’re not 100% straight?” your subconscious pleads. “Because I really want us to be heterosexual. It seems a lot easier.”
I suspect that you’re dealing with internalized homophobia. That’s when you take all of the anti-LGBT messages that society — school, church, the media, etc. — has pounded into your head for your entire life and you believe them. Your rational mind might hear some positive things about queer folks but your emotions make the final call that LGBT people are monsters, and that includes yourself. The daily bombardment of gay-hating is something that nearly all homo/bisexuals face and it’s a rare person who doesn’t bow under its weight.
Experts say that internalized homophobia is like Stockholm Syndrome. Named after the city where a bank robbery took place in the 1970s, this syndrome describes the mindset that drove the robbery hostages to defend, identify with, and admire their captors. A year later, America witnessed its most well-known incident of Stockholm Syndrome with millionaire heiress Patty Hearst. After being kidnapped for two months by the Symbionese Liberation Army, Hearst joined them in their next robbery, completely brainwashed to loyally support the very people who captured her. With internalized homophobia, you begin to agree with society that being queer is wrong.
Both Stockholm Syndrome and internalized homophobia are types of self-preservation. When you’re imprisoned, you try to obey your captors so that they will not kill you. You convince yourself that certain things the captor has done are acts of friendship and actually begin to bond with them. Likewise, if you grow up hearing from all sides that non-straight feelings and behavior are only for bad people, you try as hard as you can not to be “bad.” You still want your family, friends, teachers, and neighbors to like you even if they’re homophobic. You push away any queer socializing, reasoning that your loved ones are trying to help you with their anti-LGBT attitudes. In the worst cases of internalized homophobia, people appear to dissociate, as America has seen all too often with conservative male politicians passing severely anti-gay policies while secretly having sex with other men.
Really, it’s all incredibly sad.
But here’s the good news: if what you’re dealing with is, in fact, internalized homophobia, it’s a very manageable case of it. I want you to give yourself a major pat on the back for recognizing that you might be avoiding women due to fear of underlying feelings for them. That was some excellent insight. But you didn’t stop there; you plucked up your courage and went to the LGBT Center. Good for you! And then you partied with a girl you liked! Lera, you’re doing a fantastic job in finding out who you are and what you like.
Your plan to spend time with people at the LGBT Center and try same-sex relationships was totally smart. Keep going to the center and hanging out with new friends. If you’re not ready to kiss other women yet, that’s OK. Please don’t feel like you have to rush into anything. It sounds like this one isn’t the girl for you but maybe you’ll want to kiss someone you have more in common with. As for figuring out how you really feel, see if there’s a Coming Out group at the center. You might also ask the staff if they can recommend a therapist who will help you with coming out. The therapist does not need to be bisexual but they do need to be bi-friendly.
Lera, you’ve learned that the internal struggle between finding out your authentic sexuality and fighting internalized homophobia is exhausting. I wish I could release you from your anxiety with a snap of my fingers but it took years for that sexual Stockholm Syndrome to take root so I’m afraid it’ll take a while to dig it all out. You’re doing all the right things, though, and making new friends while you’re at it. Keep going and I predict that you’ll feel much more stable as you work through this with others who are doing the same.
The ‘phobes are trying to turn you against yourself! Don’t internalize that water!
© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.