Dear Tiggy,
I am a fourth-year, female college student who recently had sex with a woman for the first time a few weeks ago (my first time kissing a girl, too). For the past year-ish, I’ve realized that I’m attracted to women and have been interested in exploring what it’s like to be involved sexually with them. I discovered it’s AMAZING (!) and I’m fond of the girl who I had sex with.
Here’s the catch: I’ve been dating a guy on and off for four years and we got back together about a week ago because we can’t stand being apart. It became emotionally draining and I needed time apart, but we’ve decided to forget about the past and move on. It’s good. I am totally in love with him, he’s crazy about me, and I cannot imagine my life without him (cliche, I know).
But I realized that I don’t really have an interest in having sex with him like I used to. I loved how I felt with the girl I was sleeping with… it’s a totally different experience. It’s not that I’m not sexually attracted to my boyfriend or that I don’t like being intimate with him, it’s just…I don’t think I’m a fan of his man-part being inside me. He’s very loving but it’s just rougher, for lack of a better word, than being with a woman.
So, basically, what does a young woman do who recently discovered how incredible having sex with women is but is also completely in love with a guy?
-Ghirlwind
I don’t doubt that you’re in love with this guy but I suspect it’s star-crossed. Is your relationship both exhilarating and exhausting? Got those high highs and low lows? Do you ever think, “Why does this have to be so complicated all the time?”
Yep. Star-crossed.
Sometimes you can have history, affection, and commitment with someone but you two still can’t get it together as a couple. You keep returning to him because you believe that you belong together, but maybe it isn’t fate; it’s just hope. And if the nature of your relationship has been push-pull for this long, it’s not going to change. You’re on-and-off for a reason.
I’m telling you all this because I think you should break it off with this guy. Give yourself permission to explore this incredible, electrifying new world of women that you’ve discovered without thinking that it means you don’t love this guy. You do love him, you just can’t un-complicate things with him. Sometimes love is like that.
Plus, if you did remain with him instead of dating women, it wouldn’t really work well right now. You don’t want to have P-in-the-V sex with him. As a straight guy, he probably counts little else under attraction and intimacy.
Senior year is a scary time that drives us to cling to the few stable forces left in our lives. But cutting loose from this perpetual knot of a relationship so you can jump into a sexual adventure is going to be way more fun, doncha think? You say you can’t stay away from him, but I bet your new female lovers will find a way to distract you.
Breaking it off with the guy won’t be fun…
…but what comes next will.
© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.