December 9, 2014 – Tiggy Upland

Much love to all of the Wild Deuces who came out for Bilicious this past weekend! Dare I say that your love for our performers was out of this world?

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 21 year old male bisexual. I’m also diagnosed on the Autistic spectrum (Asperger’s type). Sounds like the set up to a cheesy life affirming movie, right?

I’ve experienced a lot of stress and anxiety as a result. The absolute low-point was about two years ago. Since then I’ve made a lot of progress but I’m still hurting a lot from loneliness.

The practical reality of my love life is like a mirror image of the bi stereotype: I’ve never even kissed someone else on the lips. Even regular social interaction for me is like navigating a minefield, but I can still do it successfully and make friends. Yet when it comes to forming romantic relationships, it’s like having the whole ground pulled out from under me, leaving me floating alone in space.

My friends give me advice like “be yourself” but I am myself all the time, that’s the problem! Being myself is being a person who doesn’t know how to navigate romantic relationships. My automatic preference when it comes to expressing interest in someone would be to say something like: “Greetings, fellow humanoid lifeform. I am a biological male of bisexual proclivities who has ascertained that you are the type of person I would be interested in pursuing affectionate relations containing the possibility of intercourse with. Please respond in the affirmative if you reciprocate my interest and would like to pursue relations with me, or otherwise if this proposal is not to your liking.” But apparently that’s weird and I’m supposed to do this thing called “flirting” instead!

I am fed stereotypes about gay men being easier to read, but I have scant opportunity to confirm that. While socialising and loud music aren’t so bad on their own, the combination of the two is like kryptonite, making gay bars pretty much inaccessible to me.

I do have my fair share of kinks and fantasies about threesomes and group sex, but I realise and am OK with the fact that from my present situation I’ll never be Lord Byron. I’d be over the moon if I could get to the point of carrying on a loving monogamous relationship with someone caring and sexually open.

My question is about how in the short term I can cope with the emotional turmoil of loneliness, and if in the long term I have any hope of being able to navigate the world of love and dating with the combination of my sexuality and developmental disorder.

-James

Three things, right off the bat:

1.) The emotional turmoil of loneliness describes the human condition, so if you’re still breathing and putting one foot in front of the other, you’re coping about as well as the rest of us.

2.) There is no reason that you cannot navigate the world of love and dating, as many Aspie bisexuals have before you.

3.) I’m so glad you trust me with your question. In turn, know that I would never, ever give you such self-evident yet wholly unhelpful dating advice as “be yourself.” Oof, it hurts just to type it.

Here’s a neat fact that works in your favor, dating-wise: there’s a correlation between bisexuality and Asperger’s. OK, I admit, I don’t have any scientific studies to support this claim but I have a whole wheelbarrow full of anecdotal evidence. I know that my bi friends and I have pondered why the bisexual community seems to have more than its fair share of Aspies; come to find out, many in the neuro-atypical community believe that they have a statistically significant number of bisexuals! Some suppose that because Aspies are not limited by social norms, they are more open to acknowledging and exploring same-sex feelings rather than confining their romantic/sexual relationships to the opposite sex.

Whatever the reason, you have a substantial pool of people who will understand your bisexuality and your Asperger’s because if they share one of those characteristics, they might share the other — or at least have friends who do. I suggest you find a bi group in your area and start socializing with the folks there. I’m not sure where you’re from but if it’s the UK, check out these links to local bi groups on the utterly fabulous Bi Community News website. I also encourage you to attend bi conferences because, sure, they’re educational and edifying and blah blah whatever, but the point is: you can meet a lot of likeminded souls at those things, perhaps for friendship, perhaps for sexyfuntimes. And I assure you, bi conferences boast a plenitude of Aspies. (Again, that’s just from personal observations but I challenge anyone to prove me wrong on that front.) (No one’s going to take that challenge, I’m so correct right now.)

Forget the bars; they’re not your scene. I’ve seen Asperger’s described as a state that “impairs your ability to comprehend nonverbal communication.” With the requisite blaring music found in any club or bar, you’re automatically called upon to communicate in the way that you are least able. How’s that workin’ for ya? If I were you, I’d give online dating a whirl. The communication is all verbal there – at least in the beginning – so the interaction playing field is evened out for you. Plus, you can be totally up front about being Aspie in your profile so potential partners who are familiar with the syndrome will know how to better engage with you.

For the record, I read that description a year ago in a short article written by Aspie author Matthew Rosa entitled “Dating with Asperger’s.” It was originally written for PolicyMic but I think you’ll find two comments on the Salon.com reprint especially helpful: Heather Twist, an Aspie and wife of an Aspie, and Crimson Wife, mom of an Aspie, give two solid lists of tips for dating with Asperger’s.

Say, did you know that there’s an incredibly popular bi guy blogger who has Asperger’s? What are the chances?! (Pretty good, actually. See above.) Patrick RichardsFink, board member for BiNet USA, shares his thoughts with the world in his fresh blog, Eponymous Fliponymous, that you simply must follow without haste. I noticed that you consider your autism a disorder; I think you’ll find Patrick’s frequent defense of Asperger’s as beneficial particularly uplifting. Here’s what he says to you:

“Part of life as an Aspie is that our strengths are framed as deficits. Now, anything I can say about being an Aspie is going to have exceptions, so take what applies to you. We tend to take people at face value and expect that others will do the same (which is what makes some of the interpersonal games others seem to accept without question seem utterly weird). We tend to tell the truth, even when others might find that less than polite.

“Who wouldn’t want to date someone who tells them the truth and accepts them for who they are?

“As bisexuals, our lives are rarely the stereotype of ‘never a lonely minute.’ So how to manage your loneliness in the short term? Do what makes you happy, and if there are other people who think that’s awesome, they’ll find you.”

Thanks, Patrick! James, let me leave with you with a book recommendation: Getting a Life with Asperger’s by Jesse A. Saperstein who, like Patrick, believes that “success with autism or any kind of challenge comes from knowing you have incredible things to offer.” And two out of two writers can’t be wrong when it comes to bisexuals.

Adorkable guys are very in right now.