Deuces, I thought you would like to see this update on a letter about dating from a genderqueer perspective. But it’s not from the letter writer; it’s from their boyfriend. Zounds! Read on!
We have been together now for well over a year. Neither of us foresaw the other as being the partner we would end up with — for me because of my past experience with those who identified as bisexual (Tops Up’s identification when we met), and for Tops Up because of her reluctance to be with someone straight.
In interest of fairness to me, Tops Up did tell me their identity a few weeks after writing you. They weren’t completely surprised by my reaction, but were reassured that they made the right choice in telling me. While there were still some questions I had about what it meant, as well as what it meant for us as a couple, since then we have been more easily able to discuss these issues. One aspect I find fun is that we have the same taste in women. Aspects that have made it easier — and I was reassured by your response to Kris (March 3, 2015) — is that the sexual aspect has not been a part of our relationship. Tops Up and I both have our reasons for this.
After some time of dating Tops Up, I realized why it was easy for me to handle how they identify: I came to realize I am nearly completely gender blind. Its hard to describe but when I realized this and told them, it was almost an “a-ha moment,” at least for me.
I thought you would appreciate a follow up to one of the questions sent to you, especially since it has a happy ending so far. There are straight people who are comfortable being in a long term relationship with those who aren’t — and as Tops Up says to me regularly, I am not the typical straight male.
-M
Not typical but truly terrific. Thank you for sharing this update, M. A happy ending is just what we need as spring bursts forth! Deuces, we’re back on schedule next week with an all-new question on bisexual mental health.
Our son, who just turned 16, had a girlfriend last year for a few months. He was crazy about her, said he felt “dizzy” when they held hands, and was quite sad when she broke it off. He has been lately getting closer and closer with his (male) best friend. They spend a lot of time together, going on long walks and such, all of which did not seem out of the ordinary. The other day, however, they were holding hands and cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. They stopped abruptly when I entered the room. Later, I peeked around the corner and they were doing it again.
He has been acting more secretive lately. My wife and I keep trying to gently give him opportunities to talk to us about it but he has not yet shared anything. We want to give him the space to talk to one or both of us, only when he feels ready. I have said non-specific supportive things to him lately, like that he can always talk to us about anything and asking him if there’s anything on his mind. He seems uncomfortable so I don’t push further than that. But we want to educate ourselves and be ready in case he springs it on us.
We know a lot about gay feelings (and are very comfortable with all of it) from our long experience with our many gay friends, but we do not have any bisexual friends and we feel like we know very little about what that is like, particularly for a teen. I have no idea if he even can categorize himself at this young age, nor do I want him to feel pressured to label himself. I suppose he probably falls into the “questioning” area right now, but still, we want to be able to talk to him about it whenever he feels ready. Also, we don’t know his friend’s parents very well and we don’t know if they know about this relationship; I think it is unlikely. We feel, just as we would if he were getting close and affectionate with a girl, that we don’t want him dating someone in secret.
My question, then, is this: is there anything we should know about the process of coming out as bisexual, compared with coming out as gay? Unlike other parents of gay kids who say they “knew for years” because of their child’s behavior, my son has never exhibited any outward signs of being gay, nor has he ever said or done anything that would have tipped us off. That said, he also is not nearly as girl-crazy as I was at 16. No Victoria’s Secret catalogs under the bed, but no International Male either. I am just scared of saying the wrong thing when he does decide to share with me, I want him to feel loved and happy, but at the same time he is so young and I remember how confusing everything is at this age. I know teenagers experiment sometimes but what constitutes experimenting and at what point has he crossed over into identity? I don’t want to belittle his feelings by suggesting that this is “just a phase”…but might it be?
Anyway, this is a long essay — sorry — but I am really experiencing a lot of confusing feelings myself right now, and any advice would be appreciated.
-Michael
1/3/2015 Dear Tiggy,
I just read the “For Parents” essay on the BRC website; I don’t know how I missed it the first time. It answered most of the questions I asked you! I am so sorry I didn’t check that first. If you know Robert Barton, please tell him THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Very helpful and informative. I still have one thing, though, that I could use advice on, so I will rephrase the question:
I wouldn’t feel right outing the other kid to his family if he is not ready, but I also don’t feel that I should allow my son to be dating this boy and doing anything physical with their son — even kissing and holding hands — if they don’t know about it. Any advice on how I should approach this?
If the other boy (also 16) is not ready or willing to tell his parents then I feel I should I tell my son he has to put the brakes on this thing until his friend has spoken to them. Once he has done that, and then in turn they have had a discussion with me and my wife, then I think we can figure out where we all are, but at least there will be no secrets.
If I tell my son that this is the way it has to be, I’m afraid it will be like I’m “forbidding” my son from seeing someone he cares about, but it seems to me that there are issues here that would apply to any parents, no matter what their kid’s sexual identity is. I would want the same thing if my son were involved with a girl, so it seems like it’s no different, but I think maybe it is different because of the issue of outing.
-Michael
Firstly, you and your wife are doing really well in handling this in a loving and supportive manner. Keep up the absolutely excellent work. It’s a relief to the entire bisexual community that people like you exist.
It’s good to get into the habit of treating an LGBT relationship the same way you’d treat a hetero one; it speaks to your sense of fairness. Here’s the thing, though: a romantic relationship your teenage son is having with another boy is different in a couple of ways than one with a girl. It needs to be treated as such mostly for reasons surrounding safety because society rejects same-sex relationships.
If you don’t know the other boy’s parents, then you don’t know whether outing him would endanger his physical or emotional safety. Please acknowledge that he could end up beaten, homeless, humiliated, and so forth, and that those consequences are not unlikely. I know someone from one of the most liberal areas of the U.S. who, when her parents discovered that she was in a same-sex relationship, was sent to exorcists. You do not have the right to put someone in that position, particularly a child, simply to enforce a personal tenet of transparency in relationships.
Even if the response from his family (and friends, and school…these things have a way of getting around) isn’t that bad, outing someone is a terrible thing to do. It robs a person of privacy and control over their own identity.
If your son were dating a girl and hiding the relationship, it would probably be because one of them was cheating, ashamed of the other, or had parents who did not approve. It makes sense that you would not support anything like that. But in not announcing a same-sex relationship, your son is trying to protect himself from bullying while figuring out his feelings without undue pressure. These seem to me like fine reasons to keep a relationship under wraps.
Attentive parents tend to want to know who their child is dating because they are interested in their kid’s life and have a responsibility to guide their son/daughter. But let’s be real here: a major reason that a parent might want to restrain their teenager’s romantic relationships is the possibility of pregnancy. That’s not an issue here.
You say: “We want to give him the space to talk to one or both of us, only when he feels ready” (italics mine). These are excellent instincts. Know that that necessarily means not forcing his hand by insisting that he be out on your terms. I sense that you’re uncomfortable with the lack of control you have over all this…imagine how your son feels. I think you should continue offering general support but otherwise give your son some space to sort out his feelings. Know that he must feel so much safer to understand through your gestures that you have his back. And he gets that, trust me. Dads are never as subtle as they think!
By the way, it’s perfectly fine for you to kindly insist — without providing a reason — that he leave the door open when hanging out with this guy. You’re still his parent and it’s still your house. I doubt he’ll ask why this rule suddenly cropped up.
Much love to all of the Wild Deuces who came out for Bilicious this past weekend! Dare I say that your love for our performers was out of this world?
Dear Tiggy,
I’m a 21 year old male bisexual. I’m also diagnosed on the Autistic spectrum (Asperger’s type). Sounds like the set up to a cheesy life affirming movie, right?
I’ve experienced a lot of stress and anxiety as a result. The absolute low-point was about two years ago. Since then I’ve made a lot of progress but I’m still hurting a lot from loneliness.
The practical reality of my love life is like a mirror image of the bi stereotype: I’ve never even kissed someone else on the lips. Even regular social interaction for me is like navigating a minefield, but I can still do it successfully and make friends. Yet when it comes to forming romantic relationships, it’s like having the whole ground pulled out from under me, leaving me floating alone in space.
My friends give me advice like “be yourself” but I am myself all the time, that’s the problem! Being myself is being a person who doesn’t know how to navigate romantic relationships. My automatic preference when it comes to expressing interest in someone would be to say something like: “Greetings, fellow humanoid lifeform. I am a biological male of bisexual proclivities who has ascertained that you are the type of person I would be interested in pursuing affectionate relations containing the possibility of intercourse with. Please respond in the affirmative if you reciprocate my interest and would like to pursue relations with me, or otherwise if this proposal is not to your liking.” But apparently that’s weird and I’m supposed to do this thing called “flirting” instead!
I am fed stereotypes about gay men being easier to read, but I have scant opportunity to confirm that. While socialising and loud music aren’t so bad on their own, the combination of the two is like kryptonite, making gay bars pretty much inaccessible to me.
I do have my fair share of kinks and fantasies about threesomes and group sex, but I realise and am OK with the fact that from my present situation I’ll never be Lord Byron. I’d be over the moon if I could get to the point of carrying on a loving monogamous relationship with someone caring and sexually open.
My question is about how in the short term I can cope with the emotional turmoil of loneliness, and if in the long term I have any hope of being able to navigate the world of love and dating with the combination of my sexuality and developmental disorder.
-James
Three things, right off the bat:
1.) The emotional turmoil of loneliness describes the human condition, so if you’re still breathing and putting one foot in front of the other, you’re coping about as well as the rest of us.
2.) There is no reason that you cannot navigate the world of love and dating, as many Aspie bisexuals have before you.
3.) I’m so glad you trust me with your question. In turn, know that I would never, ever give you such self-evident yet wholly unhelpful dating advice as “be yourself.” Oof, it hurts just to type it.
Here’s a neat fact that works in your favor, dating-wise: there’s a correlation between bisexuality and Asperger’s. OK, I admit, I don’t have any scientific studies to support this claim but I have a whole wheelbarrow full of anecdotal evidence. I know that my bi friends and I have pondered why the bisexual community seems to have more than its fair share of Aspies; come to find out, many in the neuro-atypical community believe that they have a statistically significant number of bisexuals! Some suppose that because Aspies are not limited by social norms, they are more open to acknowledging and exploring same-sex feelings rather than confining their romantic/sexual relationships to the opposite sex.
Whatever the reason, you have a substantial pool of people who will understand your bisexuality and your Asperger’s because if they share one of those characteristics, they might share the other — or at least have friends who do. I suggest you find a bi group in your area and start socializing with the folks there. I’m not sure where you’re from but if it’s the UK, check out these links to local bi groups on the utterly fabulous Bi Community News website. I also encourage you to attend bi conferences because, sure, they’re educational and edifying and blah blah whatever, but the point is: you can meet a lot of likeminded souls at those things, perhaps for friendship, perhaps for sexyfuntimes. And I assure you, bi conferences boast a plenitude of Aspies. (Again, that’s just from personal observations but I challenge anyone to prove me wrong on that front.) (No one’s going to take that challenge, I’m so correct right now.)
Forget the bars; they’re not your scene. I’ve seen Asperger’s described as a state that “impairs your ability to comprehend nonverbal communication.” With the requisite blaring music found in any club or bar, you’re automatically called upon to communicate in the way that you are least able. How’s that workin’ for ya? If I were you, I’d give online dating a whirl. The communication is all verbal there – at least in the beginning – so the interaction playing field is evened out for you. Plus, you can be totally up front about being Aspie in your profile so potential partners who are familiar with the syndrome will know how to better engage with you.
For the record, I read that description a year ago in a short article written by Aspie author Matthew Rosa entitled “Dating with Asperger’s.” It was originally written for PolicyMic but I think you’ll find two comments on the Salon.com reprint especially helpful: Heather Twist, an Aspie and wife of an Aspie, and Crimson Wife, mom of an Aspie, give two solid lists of tips for dating with Asperger’s.
Say, did you know that there’s an incredibly popular bi guy blogger who has Asperger’s? What are the chances?! (Pretty good, actually. See above.) Patrick RichardsFink, board member for BiNet USA, shares his thoughts with the world in his fresh blog, Eponymous Fliponymous, that you simply must follow without haste. I noticed that you consider your autism a disorder; I think you’ll find Patrick’s frequent defense of Asperger’s as beneficial particularly uplifting. Here’s what he says to you:
“Part of life as an Aspie is that our strengths are framed as deficits. Now, anything I can say about being an Aspie is going to have exceptions, so take what applies to you. We tend to take people at face value and expect that others will do the same (which is what makes some of the interpersonal games others seem to accept without question seem utterly weird). We tend to tell the truth, even when others might find that less than polite.
“Who wouldn’t want to date someone who tells them the truth and accepts them for who they are?
“As bisexuals, our lives are rarely the stereotype of ‘never a lonely minute.’ So how to manage your loneliness in the short term? Do what makes you happy, and if there are other people who think that’s awesome, they’ll find you.”
Thanks, Patrick! James, let me leave with you with a book recommendation: Getting a Life with Asperger’s by Jesse A. Saperstein who, like Patrick, believes that “success with autism or any kind of challenge comes from knowing you have incredible things to offer.” And two out of two writers can’t be wrong when it comes to bisexuals.
I’m a high school student who came out as bisexual last year to my friends and the news has fairly progressed throughout the school since then. After I came out I had my first girlfriend a year after having my first boyfriend.
People assume I’m just lesbian and that I despise guys but that’s not true. So many people refer to me as gay that I’m starting to tell some people I’m lesbian and some I’m bi. I’ve noticed that I choose depending on how I feel about that person. I don’t know why I’m doing this but it is very conflicting to me.
I have a crush on a guy but I feel like I’m holding myself back from telling him because if something were to happen between us, there would be too many questions about my sexuality and too much drama. What doesn’t help is that everyone tells my ex-boyfriend that he “turned me gay,” not to mention the fact that we are all in one sports team. Help?
-Steph
Being on a team is drama. Basic sociology dictates that humans in a group are going to date each other and break up, and observing teammates have to more or less roll with it. And sports are nothing — you should see what it’s like being in a theatre production. It’s called Drama Club for a reason. Anyway, the truth is that if folks are talking about you, that means they find you intriguing. There are worse things than being popular, sweet Steph. It does stink to get bad PR, though.
Since you’re the one who has the interesting business that everyone else wants to be all up in, you ought to revel in said business. Specifically, focus on this guy you’re after and let the Greek chorus that’s following you fade to background noise. Every time you find yourself getting caught up in the peer analysis of your romantic life: stop, recognize it, and redirect that energy toward the dude. You only have so many hours in the day to care about stuff. Prioritizing your energy is vital.
Let me get a little Wizard of Oz on you for a sec: I believe that you’ve always had the brain, heart, and nerve to address those who are curious about your love life. However, instead of giving you a diploma, a medal, or a watch (which was sort of random…?), I want to give you a phrase: “I’m 100% bisexual.”
The word “hapa” was at one time a slur against people who are part Asian/Pacific Islander and part (an)other race(s), as it comes from the Hawaiian word for “half.” But then a beautiful thing happened: mixed race Asians reclaimed the word and connoted it for the positive. I smile when I see “100% Hapa” bumper stickers, knowing it’s a point of pride. (Can you imagine how rad it is to be a hapa bisexual? That’s 200% hapa in a single person!)
So we’re taking a page out of the hapa book for you today. When someone asks you about your sexuality, just say, “I’m 100% bisexual.” It’s pithy, it’s ironic, it’s self-confident, it says all you need to say. Don Draper would love it. If your curious friend mentions that they heard you identify as a lesbian some days ago, you don’t need to get into your experimentation in advertising yourself to different markets; just say, “I figured it out.” You weren’t lying before (or now) and your sexuality didn’t change, you figured it out. Any further questions can be answered with, “Now, now. A girl has to have some secrets,” and a change of subject to your inquisitor’s love life.
Oh, and the next comment about your ex turning you gay should be met with an eye roll and a muttered, “That joke is so old.” If the person saying it is trying to humiliate your ex in front of the rest of the team, go full throttle and state firmly, “Stop saying that. It’s not true and it’s not funny.” If you can, you should privately say to your ex at some point that no matter what has or will happen since you two were together, nothing is going to change the fact that you liked him. Anyone can say whatever they want because what matters is that you and he know it was real.
But enough about him…go get that new guy.
This movie was about 100% better than the trailer made it look.
P.S. Check the poster’s handle. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.
Today, Tiggy brings sage advice to three Wild Deuces with three little words…
Dear Tiggy,
My girlfriend and I are bi. We’re in college and are partners in thesis. Recently, we talk less and it seems like she is avoiding me. When I ask her if she’s okay, if there is a problem, or if her mother already knows about us, she gets irritated and doesn’t answer the question.
Two days ago, she deleted her relationship status with me in Facebook. I did forget our two-month anniversary but I don’t think that’s why. I have a feeling she still loves me since she hasn’t returned the drawing tablet I gave her as a gift. I don’t know what to do anymore. I miss her.
-Pear Tree
Three words: Talk to her! You’re in a relationship and you deserve the respect of an honest conversation. If she confirms that she wants to break up, it will sting but I suspect you’ll be relieved to at least know where you stand.
Dear Tiggy,
I’ve been questioning my sexuality for a while and I’ve decided that I’m bi. I don’t want to come out to my friends and classmates yet because some of my best friends are not fond of the idea, and I don’t want them to treat me differently.
The problem is, I absolutely NEED to tell someone. (I want to tell my aunt because I love her more than anyone.) I don’t know how to do it or what I should even say.
-Abbey
Three words: Tell your aunt. (I can almost feel the weight being lifted off of your shoulders already!) The BRC’s webpage on “Coming Out as Bisexual” in its Youth section gives great information and the video shows some examples of how other kids have done it. There are some excellent accounts in the book Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World as well, particularly in the second chapter. I think you’ll find that most people either write a letter or blurt it out; in your case, I recommend the latter, but you can practice what you’ll say beforehand. Find a time when you and your aunt are hanging out alone and go for it.
Three tips: 1.) Do tell you aunt what being bisexual means to you. 2.) Don’t tell your aunt that you think “everyone is bisexual.” Speak on behalf of your own feelings. 3.) Your aunt may be wary of keeping this secret from your parents. You can assure her that you’re not in any danger and that you appreciate knowing that you can confide in a trusted adult.
Good luck, Abbey!
Dear Tiggy,
I am 23 and realized that I was bisexual/pansexual/queer a couple of years ago, based solely upon analysis of my inner feelings of attraction and interest. While I understand that this is enough to allow me to label myself as I wish, I feel a deep insecurity about this identity. As I have only kissed a few girls but have been in long-term relationships with several guys, the questions of other people make me feel that I need to act upon my feelings in order to validate them.
However, there are a few extra complications getting in the way of my exploration. I am in a long-distance relationship with a guy. Despite our choice of monogamy, he has specifically permitted me to explore my sexuality – not because he considers female-female relationships as less valid, or receives a voyeuristic pleasure from them, but because he wants me to be happy.
I am rather asocial, so the only way that I would meet someone would probably be by going to a gay bar, in which intentions and orientations are clearer than elsewhere. Alas, in such a place, it would be difficult to explain my situation properly, and I think that most potential partners would be turned off by a) my relationship status and b) my lady-sex virginity. Also, I am sex positive in theory, but have a lot of insecurities in practice; hence, getting together with a stranger when I have no idea what I’m doing is extremely intimidating. Finally, I am extremely nervous about perpetuating stereotypes about bisexuality in the lesbian community by being a woman in a relationship with a man, interested solely in a physical encounter with a woman.
How do I approach this situation? Do I lie/avoid talking about my situation (difficult, because I am honest to a fault and it seems unfair to the other person)? Do I hope that I can stumble upon the rare woman who would be willing to be my guinea pig, so to speak?
-M.
Three words: Find partners online. On OKCupid, for example, you can explain your situation in your profile so people who are not interested in participating can just keep moving. And trust me, you are not nearly the first person on OKCupid in these circumstances.
As for getting together with someone to have sex, no one knows what they’re doing and everyone’s nervous. You know that. If you’re so freaked out that you can’t do it, then you need to come to terms with your insecurity about being bisexual on your own. Regarding the last part, common stereotypes aren’t your problem. You’re not saying every bisexual wants or does this, and you’re allowed to make your own choices. Feminists can be stay-at-home mothers, right? Same thing.
What I think will help you is getting out of your own head and trying to see this experience from your potential sex partner’s point of view. Essentially, it’s the opposite of framing them as a “guinea pig” (and, God, please don’t ever say that again). If you find someone in your exact position, focus on the even exchange – and fun! – of being each other’s “first.” For a lady looking for a quick fling, communicate with her at length about what she likes in bed, dim the lights, and give it the ol’ college try. Taking the spotlight off yourself and getting into the giving spirit should shake off those nerves a bit and provide you with a little direction.
I am a 35-year-old single mother and I am bisexual. I do not shout it from the rooftops, nor do I hide my identity from anyone. I have dated both women and men in the past; my longest relationship with a woman was four years, and I have been married to a man. My children accept me for who I am, as do the other members of my family.
My issue involves people I’m dating, whether lesbians or straight men. I continue to get the same tired and overused remarks — from men and women — of how I just can’t make up my mind or how I am selfish. I have attempted to explain that when I am in a relationship, I am faithful and that, yes, I am attracted equally to both sexes. I am feeling so frustrated right now because it doesn’t matter who I talk to I seem to get the same rude response. I accept people for whom they are, and I do not believe that it is my responsibility to tell someone else who they can love or be attracted to.
Should I just give up on dating, period? I am so tired of people thinking that because I am bi, I am going to jump into bed with the next person that walks into my life.
-Star Bear
Girl, sometimes in dating, you can’t even count all of the things that make you want to just give the hell up. A quick break from dating to recharge might be just what the doctor ordered. But there’s no need to completely throw in the towel.
I find that most daters have a particular way of finding a partner that tends to work best for them. It’s possible that your newer ways of reaching out to potential love interests (At parties? Blind dates through friends? Online?) aren’t your jam, and it’s attracting the wrong kind of people for you. Evidently, you’ve enjoyed previous success in finding someone special, so whatever method you used to locate those past partners, keep using it.
Also, in my experience, the would-be lovers who I anticipate being biphobic typically aren’t, and those I think are going to be cool with it leave me saying, “Et tu, Brute?” Are all of the haters that you’ve run into somehow cut from the same cloth? Did their boorish retorts come as a surprise to you? It may be time to drop the kind of person you thought would be welcoming, and give a whole new breed of daters a fresh look.
At the end of the day, I can’t tell you to change your own behavior to elicit a better reaction because this isn’t about you; it’s about certain people’s ignorance, fear, and stereotyping. That said, the best thing you can have going for you when you come out is friendly confidence. It will convey that it isn’t a big deal. And if they still give you a bad reaction, that friendly confidence will allow you to cut them dead immediately, and tell them exactly why.
Here’s the most important thing: there’s a whole bisexual community just waiting to trade dating horror stories with you. Find us and let us support you! And do I even need to say that you’re likely to find some non-biphobic dates among us, too?
It occurs to Tiggy that there is a lot of bad advice out there, confusing the lot of us and putting a wrench in our interpersonal relations, bisexual or otherwise. From antiquated myths to advisors with the occasional blind spot, there’s no lack of sources for these counterproductive ideas and it’s tough not to adopt those that we’ve heard over and over.
So I thought that instead of answering questions on this Tuesday, I’d instead squash some of the worst offenders in one fell swoop. Won’t that be cathartic? Here goes…
Intimacy cannot be measured in time. Relationships cannot be judged by length.
Perhaps not having had a long-term relationship is an indicator that there’s something holding you back. Perhaps it’s an indicator that you exit unhealthy relationships at the right time. Either is as likely as the other.
There’s a difference between privacy and shame.
If all of your friends have met someone (or many someones) and you haven’t, the most likely reason is that while there’s a lot of what they’re looking for, there’s comparably less of what you’re looking for.
Just because someone doesn’t date or have sex – with a specific kind of person or at all – doesn’t mean they don’t want to.
Problematic dating behavior doesn’t necessarily stem from past trauma.
There are circumstances when it’s OK to break up with someone over the phone.
You can end a relationship for virtually any reason. You do not lose your right to do so because the person in question has not hurt you.
Dating online is not for losers, nor does it indicate a participants’ mindset of ordering off a menu.
You will grow out of dating obnoxious people with whom it will never work. You will be attracted to other kinds of people.
Opposites might attract but they generally don’t get along.
There is no such thing as being “too picky.” If you wanted to be partnered more than you wanted to be happy, you’d settle.
Losing your virginity (which is a worthless construct anyway) beyond the drinking age is not at all uncommon and it’s not a reflection of your value as a lover, partner, or even eye-candy.
One of the best things about same-sex dating and relationships is that you aren’t bound to the bizarre social conventions and gendered behavior guidelines of opposite-sex dating. That said, you still need to treat your romantic counterpart as such, and not as casually as a friend.