Dear Tiggy,
I am a 35-year-old single mother and I am bisexual. I do not shout it from the rooftops, nor do I hide my identity from anyone. I have dated both women and men in the past; my longest relationship with a woman was four years, and I have been married to a man. My children accept me for who I am, as do the other members of my family.
My issue involves people I’m dating, whether lesbians or straight men. I continue to get the same tired and overused remarks — from men and women — of how I just can’t make up my mind or how I am selfish. I have attempted to explain that when I am in a relationship, I am faithful and that, yes, I am attracted equally to both sexes. I am feeling so frustrated right now because it doesn’t matter who I talk to I seem to get the same rude response. I accept people for whom they are, and I do not believe that it is my responsibility to tell someone else who they can love or be attracted to.
Should I just give up on dating, period? I am so tired of people thinking that because I am bi, I am going to jump into bed with the next person that walks into my life.
-Star Bear
Girl, sometimes in dating, you can’t even count all of the things that make you want to just give the hell up. A quick break from dating to recharge might be just what the doctor ordered. But there’s no need to completely throw in the towel.
I find that most daters have a particular way of finding a partner that tends to work best for them. It’s possible that your newer ways of reaching out to potential love interests (At parties? Blind dates through friends? Online?) aren’t your jam, and it’s attracting the wrong kind of people for you. Evidently, you’ve enjoyed previous success in finding someone special, so whatever method you used to locate those past partners, keep using it.
Also, in my experience, the would-be lovers who I anticipate being biphobic typically aren’t, and those I think are going to be cool with it leave me saying, “Et tu, Brute?” Are all of the haters that you’ve run into somehow cut from the same cloth? Did their boorish retorts come as a surprise to you? It may be time to drop the kind of person you thought would be welcoming, and give a whole new breed of daters a fresh look.
At the end of the day, I can’t tell you to change your own behavior to elicit a better reaction because this isn’t about you; it’s about certain people’s ignorance, fear, and stereotyping. That said, the best thing you can have going for you when you come out is friendly confidence. It will convey that it isn’t a big deal. And if they still give you a bad reaction, that friendly confidence will allow you to cut them dead immediately, and tell them exactly why.
Of course, if all you’re looking for is a snappy comeback, there’s always this.
Here’s the most important thing: there’s a whole bisexual community just waiting to trade dating horror stories with you. Find us and let us support you! And do I even need to say that you’re likely to find some non-biphobic dates among us, too?
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.