martyr complex – Tiggy Upland

It’s another two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!

Dear Tiggy,

I am pretty sure that I am bisexual, and I have had crushes on both men and women since I was twelve. I am nineteen now and I have never felt safe or comfortable telling anybody about my sexual orientation.

My older sister has a severe personality disorder, and will likely never marry or have kids, which makes me feel a lot of pressure to be the daughter that my parents didn’t get the first time around. If I told them what I was, I know they would be supportive but they would also be upset and I can’t bring any more grief into their lives.

Also, I highly value my friendships with heterosexual girls, and even though I have never been attracted to a straight girl, I am worried that they would feel uncomfortable with me if I came out to them.

My question for you is, do some people who are bisexual stay in the closet their entire lives and does this have a negative effect on them? All I want is to be happy.

-Eliza

Nah, you couldn’t care less about making yourself happy. You want to make sure everyone around you is happy, even if it kills you. Maybe especially if it kills you. You, my lovely lady, have a martyr complex.

Here are some things that are not your job:

To be the daughter your parents want /“deserve”
To produce a son-in-law and grandkids for your parents
To eliminate all grief in your parents’ lives
To assure your straight friends that you are not sexually or romantically interested in them
To ensure that those who interact with you are comfortable with your identity and your personal behavior, even at the expense of your own comfort
To be perfect for everyone else

Yes, some people who are bisexual stay in the closet their entire lives. And yes, living a life that does not feel authentic has terrible effects on virtually all who attempt it, including feeling isolated, unfulfilled, and phony.

Here’s a better choice: find other ways to feel in control of your environment without resorting to self-sacrifice. Develop a practice of self-care. Make choices about yourself that benefit you, and let friends and loved ones manage their own disappointment.

A martyr complex is probably the nicest of all of the complexes, but it isn’t nice to you. And your happiness matters.

Dear Tiggy,

My boyfriend of four months is bisexual and I am gay. I know this because he was open about it from the start. What he was not open about, however, was the fact that for the first two months we dated, he was also sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. She found out about me and told me about their relationship, and about the fact that he had already cheated on her several times with men while they were dating.

The girlfriend has now gone off to college (he’s 19, she’s 18, I’m 25), and the two of us are happy and reported to be monogamous. Problem is, she’s coming back for a fall break in October, and I’m confident they will have sex again every time she’s back in town.

I have no problem with him sleeping with women (trying to be GGG and a supportive boyfriend, giving him the freedom to have fun with parts I do not have) but I don’t want him sleeping with women he was at one point in love with!

Ugh. Am I crazy to be with him? Crazy to deny him sex with the ex? Crazy for dating a 19 year old, when clearly we’re in very different maturity stages in our lives? Part of me wants to leave him because I know this will only lead to future cheating and dishonesty, but I think I love him.

-Luke

I don’t think you’re crazy. In fact, you’ve assessed the situation quite realistically. Most un-crazy monogamish folks have some kind of lines to draw in their relationships, and the boundary that you’re trying to set (i.e. no ex sex) is not unreasonable. You recognize and even articulate that your and his life stages are not aligned and that expecting him to adhere to this (albeit fair) rule is impractical.

No, not crazy at all — or, any more than the lot of us who have been in a similar situation. You’re just human, and hope burns eternal in the human heart. You’re clear-eyed enough to be 99% sure that this is going to end badly but there’s that 1% of you that secretly believes this might work out beautifully unless proven otherwise. It’s unfortunate but it appears that your heart has donned its powdered wig, taken its gavel, and proclaimed that Boyfriend Defendant cannot be convicted without evidence.

Looks like you’re going to have to ride this one out to its probably painful conclusion.

Go easy on yourself. It takes herculean strength — and then some — to say no to love, even stupid love. I predict that when you come out the other end of this, the next time someone dwarfed by your maturity entices you to board this particular merry-go-round, you’ll have the experience to say, “Nope, not again.”

Time to get selfish, Eliza. Or, as the French say, egoiste.

And speaking of French, Amelie adorably shows you how a martyr complex loses its flavor.

Crazy stupid love. Is there any other kind?