closet – Tiggy Upland

Dear Tiggy,

I went to an awesome liberal arts college with a great LGBTQIA community, but I never actually got involved. I have social anxiety – an unfortunate amount of time was spent being terrified of everybody – and I didn’t actually come out until the end of my senior year.

I feel like I missed my opportunity to get involved in the community in general, because now that I’m out of school it’s a lot harder to meet people and integrate into groups of friends. Any advice on how a twenty-something could get started on cultivating this area of life?

-M-Dizzle

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a woman in her mid-twenties who feels stuck figuring out whether I like guys or girls, or both. I feel like I’m getting too old to try to understand my feelings. It seems most people figure this out in their teens or early twenties. Heck, some people are married before they reach my age. I wonder if you can help me to not feel so worried and anxious about this. Thanks for your help, Tiggy.

-Andi

Ellen Albertini Dow, best known as the old lady from The Wedding Singer, died last week at age 101. She was a recognized, working actor — no easy feat. Did you know that Dow began acting at age 72? Do you know how many successful people were late bloomers?

You two see where I’m headed with this? That’s right: you can be successful bisexuals even though you didn’t come out of the closet when you came out of the womb.

There are so many people the same age as you, so many, who are still figuring it all out. In fact, I guarantee that the majority of people are still untangling and discovering their identity and sexuality in one form or another in their 20s. And 30s. And 80s — no lie, life throws you curveballs right up until the end. For cryin’ old loud, Bruce Jenner just came out as trans and he’s* a senior citizen.

In fact, yeah, let’s talk about Bruce. When he was an American athletic hero, when he was eating his Wheaties and guest starring on Silver Spoons, when he was marrying three times and fathering six kids and four stepkids, when he was Keeping Up With the Kardashians — during all that, do you think anyone looking at his life from the outside in had even an inkling that he was trans? No, ma’am. So why do you think you know what “most people” have sorted by your age? Don’t you think they’re looking at you and thinking the same thing? (Oh, and for the record, just because someone is married does not mean they’ve straightened out every last thread on the fringe of their sexual being. Just ask ‘em.)

I suppose you both missed certain opportunities in coming out after your teens. Everything we do has what economists call “opportunity costs,” i.e. choosing one path means not choosing another. I just hope you don’t find yourself stuck on the dock gazing wistfully at the wake of your (imagined?) missed boat. It’s sad to be the person who harps on a past age when they think everything would have been perfect if they were somehow different then. You’ve seen the cliché hetero man in a midlife crisis with the fancy car and the younger girlfriend? Ugh, don’t be that guy. You might feel like if you had come to your sexual identity sooner, life would have been an unceasing party of queer popularity. But you don’t know that. Your experience at that time of your life was the queer experience, just not the one you’ve been sold by TV and movies.

Instead of ruminating on some fantasy era, go after what you actually want. If it’s a relationship with someone of the same gender, then aim for that. Find practical advice on exactly what steps to take here, here, and even here despite the fact that neither of you are “older” by any definition. And if your worry is that all of your peers are paired off and no one is left for you, then breathe easy because this is utterly preposterous. (Actually, there are plenty of people your age who will be in the closet long after you’ve emerged.) I’m sure that once you begin to gather queer acquaintances, friends, and lovers, you won’t care a bit about what might have been.

You haven’t missed the boat. You are the boat. When is it too late to live your life authentically with likeminded friends? When you’re dead, and not one second before.

*Bruce uses the pronouns “he,” “him,” and “his” until he unveils Her.

Oh, Uncle Rico. It will never be 1982 again.

And, thank your lucky stars, it will never be 1988 again either.

Repeat after me: I am the boat.

It’s another two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!

Dear Tiggy,

I am pretty sure that I am bisexual, and I have had crushes on both men and women since I was twelve. I am nineteen now and I have never felt safe or comfortable telling anybody about my sexual orientation.

My older sister has a severe personality disorder, and will likely never marry or have kids, which makes me feel a lot of pressure to be the daughter that my parents didn’t get the first time around. If I told them what I was, I know they would be supportive but they would also be upset and I can’t bring any more grief into their lives.

Also, I highly value my friendships with heterosexual girls, and even though I have never been attracted to a straight girl, I am worried that they would feel uncomfortable with me if I came out to them.

My question for you is, do some people who are bisexual stay in the closet their entire lives and does this have a negative effect on them? All I want is to be happy.

-Eliza

Nah, you couldn’t care less about making yourself happy. You want to make sure everyone around you is happy, even if it kills you. Maybe especially if it kills you. You, my lovely lady, have a martyr complex.

Here are some things that are not your job:

To be the daughter your parents want /“deserve”
To produce a son-in-law and grandkids for your parents
To eliminate all grief in your parents’ lives
To assure your straight friends that you are not sexually or romantically interested in them
To ensure that those who interact with you are comfortable with your identity and your personal behavior, even at the expense of your own comfort
To be perfect for everyone else

Yes, some people who are bisexual stay in the closet their entire lives. And yes, living a life that does not feel authentic has terrible effects on virtually all who attempt it, including feeling isolated, unfulfilled, and phony.

Here’s a better choice: find other ways to feel in control of your environment without resorting to self-sacrifice. Develop a practice of self-care. Make choices about yourself that benefit you, and let friends and loved ones manage their own disappointment.

A martyr complex is probably the nicest of all of the complexes, but it isn’t nice to you. And your happiness matters.

Dear Tiggy,

My boyfriend of four months is bisexual and I am gay. I know this because he was open about it from the start. What he was not open about, however, was the fact that for the first two months we dated, he was also sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. She found out about me and told me about their relationship, and about the fact that he had already cheated on her several times with men while they were dating.

The girlfriend has now gone off to college (he’s 19, she’s 18, I’m 25), and the two of us are happy and reported to be monogamous. Problem is, she’s coming back for a fall break in October, and I’m confident they will have sex again every time she’s back in town.

I have no problem with him sleeping with women (trying to be GGG and a supportive boyfriend, giving him the freedom to have fun with parts I do not have) but I don’t want him sleeping with women he was at one point in love with!

Ugh. Am I crazy to be with him? Crazy to deny him sex with the ex? Crazy for dating a 19 year old, when clearly we’re in very different maturity stages in our lives? Part of me wants to leave him because I know this will only lead to future cheating and dishonesty, but I think I love him.

-Luke

I don’t think you’re crazy. In fact, you’ve assessed the situation quite realistically. Most un-crazy monogamish folks have some kind of lines to draw in their relationships, and the boundary that you’re trying to set (i.e. no ex sex) is not unreasonable. You recognize and even articulate that your and his life stages are not aligned and that expecting him to adhere to this (albeit fair) rule is impractical.

No, not crazy at all — or, any more than the lot of us who have been in a similar situation. You’re just human, and hope burns eternal in the human heart. You’re clear-eyed enough to be 99% sure that this is going to end badly but there’s that 1% of you that secretly believes this might work out beautifully unless proven otherwise. It’s unfortunate but it appears that your heart has donned its powdered wig, taken its gavel, and proclaimed that Boyfriend Defendant cannot be convicted without evidence.

Looks like you’re going to have to ride this one out to its probably painful conclusion.

Go easy on yourself. It takes herculean strength — and then some — to say no to love, even stupid love. I predict that when you come out the other end of this, the next time someone dwarfed by your maturity entices you to board this particular merry-go-round, you’ll have the experience to say, “Nope, not again.”

Time to get selfish, Eliza. Or, as the French say, egoiste.

And speaking of French, Amelie adorably shows you how a martyr complex loses its flavor.

Crazy stupid love. Is there any other kind?