queer

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 17 year old male and I consider myself a biromantic homoflexible person. I have been biromantic most my life, having had romantic crushes on both males and females. But sexually, I was mainly homosexual until over a year and a half ago. In the past year or so, I have learnt that I am homoflexible: occasionally sexually attracted to the opposite gender, and predominantly sexually attracted to the same gender. I like to identify as queer as well.

I came out as bi to some friends to keep it simple, but am willing to elaborate if needed. I am wondering if you would consider “bi” to be an appropriate term. If a person is a biromantic heterosexual or homosexual, for instance, would it be practical for them to consider themselves straight/gay or bisexual? I know it would be up to the individual, but I was wondering if you have a stance on this as a bisexual.

-J

The only stance I have on this is how cool it is that you know yourself so well.

Labels of any kind can only be applied by the one wearing them. That said, a sexuality label not only helps you understand yourself better, it also helps others understand what you’re about and points you toward a community. The tricky thing, as you’ve discovered, is that your label for yourself isn’t necessarily one that most others can comprehend, nor is it always attached to an organized community.

Labels can sum up a part of you in a succinct word or two but when you end up having to deliver a lengthy explanation on it anyway, you begin to wonder why you even bothered with it.

So some queer folks pick the closest recognizable label and go with that for public purposes. Hey, that’s terrific! I like that you’re “willing to elaborate as needed” because it demonstrates that you’re not hiding anything, you’re just trying to make your life slightly less difficult. Thumbs up, Captain.

I humbly submit that the especially neat-o aspect of identifying as bi is that it’s all but assumed that you have another moniker tailored to your more specific sexual identity. Lots of us use the word “bi” as an acronym (B.I.) that stands for “Bi Inclusive” — that is, an umbrella term inclusive of all of the middle sexualities. As such, the bi community fully expects that you have a precise term for the kind of person you’re attracted to…and we each already have six or seven biromantic homoflexible friends!

I believe that most biromantic hetero/homosexuals identify as straight/gay out of practicality, but also because being bisexual still carries a stigma. Thus, it is evermore spectacular that you choose to identify as bi, thereby throwing a metaphorical wrench into the perpetual stigma machine (also metaphorical). But that’s just one Wild Deuce’s opinion. At the end of the day, your personal label is about what you’re most comfortable with, and everything else is just gravy.

Make YOUR own label!

© 2015 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

On this fine two-fer Tuesday, Tiggy tips her fascinator to the wonderful gay men in our bi lives.

Dear Tiggy,

My queer friend keeps serving me up the “everyone’s a little bisexual” line. As a bisexual, this phrase annoys me both as a form of bi erasure (because if everyone’s bisexual, no one is) and also because I think it’s simply not true (i.e. I have met people who were Kinsey 0s or 6s).

But I have trouble just telling him to cut it out because I think he uses this as a discreet way to identify himself. Although he tells people he’s gay, he’s not a solid “Kinsey 6” and still has some attraction to women. This is his way of showing that part of himself, although he’s so predominantly attracted to men that the bisexual label doesn’t fit for him.

My question is, how can I tell my friend that I find this line problematic while giving him space to express his identity?

-Leanne

Hmm. Sounds like you might be a bisexual. Your friend, well…he’s another story.

There’s a maxim that was reputedly first made popular by legal philosopher Zechariah Chafee, Jr. in the late nineteenth century: “Your right to swing your arms ends just where the other man’s nose begins.” In your friend’s case, he’s welcome to identify himself however he likes but he doesn’t have the right to speak for anyone else.

After all, how could he possibly know whether everyone is a little bisexual? And doesn’t each individual have as much right to identify zirself as he does, even if that identity is “not bisexual in the least”?

The next time it comes up, you might say to him privately, “Hey, just so you know, the bisexual community frowns on the whole ‘Everyone is bisexual’ theory because it actually erases bisexuality as a valid identity. I just wanted to give you a heads-up so you don’t say it in front of the wrong person.” The mention of the bisexual community is critical, as it might get him thinking about bis as a discrete cultural group unto ourselves.

You’re kind to let him flail about as he settles on his sexuality but you’ll be doing both him and yourself a favor in letting him know when he inadvertently whacks you in the schnoz.

Dear Tiggy,

My best friend is a gay guy. I’m a bi girl. When we’re together we talk about cute boys nonstop and queer things in general, but I get this weird complex: I don’t talk about my girl crushes very often because he’s not interested, or at least he can’t relate. I feel like he thinks of me as some kind of “fag hag” — the straight girl along for the queer fun ride.

How do I get my friend to recognize me as equally queer as him?

-Kara

Let’s start by giving him the benefit of the doubt. Did he indicate that he isn’t interested in hearing about your girl crushes or did you assume that’s the case? Sure, he can’t relate to liking girls romantically, but he can relate to love — and to you, his friend. Truly, most of us enjoy dating gossip from friends no matter what gender the crush in question is. We just want dirt.

It also might be that he senses a hesitation from you and doesn’t want to push you to talk about girls if that makes you uncomfortable. Sort of a self-perpetuating cycle, isn’t it? Welp, there’s only one Wild Deuce who can break it, and that’s you, Miss Kara. Make an effort to insert some girl-talk into your conversations with him and give him a chance to be receptive.

If you’re both relatively young, it might be hard for you to carve out a queer identity without constantly crashing into each other. He might think he has to fit a certain stereotype in which he plays mascot to a feminine hag; you could be stuck thinking that because you’re bi, you have to prove to everyone else that you’re worthy of the “queer” label. I think it would help both of you to find additional queer friends, even if they’re just online. Once you start to see all the different kinds of queer people who don’t necessarily fit a mold, and you realize that you don’t need each other to fulfill your every single queer need, you can relax a bit.

What is love? Between a gay guy and a bi gal, it’s THIS.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 14, 2015

July 22, 2014