I’m a 17 year old male and I consider myself a biromantic homoflexible person. I have been biromantic most my life, having had romantic crushes on both males and females. But sexually, I was mainly homosexual until over a year and a half ago. In the past year or so, I have learnt that I am homoflexible: occasionally sexually attracted to the opposite gender, and predominantly sexually attracted to the same gender. I like to identify as queer as well.
I came out as bi to some friends to keep it simple, but am willing to elaborate if needed. I am wondering if you would consider “bi” to be an appropriate term. If a person is a biromantic heterosexual or homosexual, for instance, would it be practical for them to consider themselves straight/gay or bisexual? I know it would be up to the individual, but I was wondering if you have a stance on this as a bisexual.
-J
The only stance I have on this is how cool it is that you know yourself so well.
Labels of any kind can only be applied by the one wearing them. That said, a sexuality label not only helps you understand yourself better, it also helps others understand what you’re about and points you toward a community. The tricky thing, as you’ve discovered, is that your label for yourself isn’t necessarily one that most others can comprehend, nor is it always attached to an organized community.
Labels can sum up a part of you in a succinct word or two but when you end up having to deliver a lengthy explanation on it anyway, you begin to wonder why you even bothered with it.
So some queer folks pick the closest recognizable label and go with that for public purposes. Hey, that’s terrific! I like that you’re “willing to elaborate as needed” because it demonstrates that you’re not hiding anything, you’re just trying to make your life slightly less difficult. Thumbs up, Captain.
I humbly submit that the especially neat-o aspect of identifying as bi is that it’s all but assumed that you have another moniker tailored to your more specific sexual identity. Lots of us use the word “bi” as an acronym (B.I.) that stands for “Bi Inclusive” — that is, an umbrella term inclusive of all of the middle sexualities. As such, the bi community fully expects that you have a precise term for the kind of person you’re attracted to…and we each already have six or seven biromantic homoflexible friends!
I believe that most biromantic hetero/homosexuals identify as straight/gay out of practicality, but also because being bisexual still carries a stigma. Thus, it is evermore spectacular that you choose to identify as bi, thereby throwing a metaphorical wrench into the perpetual stigma machine (also metaphorical). But that’s just one Wild Deuce’s opinion. At the end of the day, your personal label is about what you’re most comfortable with, and everything else is just gravy.
I am a 17-year-old boy from India and I believe I’m suffering from HOCD: homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder. It started when I began obsessing on a mildly sexual scene in a movie and it developed into a fear of being gay. During this phase, I lost my attraction to girls even though I was seriously into them until then. I constantly checked myself for signs of arousal while thinking about boys (which did not occur).
After a few months of this, I consulted a therapist via computer and began treating myself with cognitive behavioral therapy. Now I feel better but I do still get these thoughts sometimes. The therapist told me that I had to coexist with such thoughts and let them flow. At this point, my obsession has changed from being gay to being bisexual since my attraction to girls is back.
So, have I been bisexual this whole time and didn’t know it?
-King123
For a therapist that you randomly found online, you sure got a good one. They’re absolutely right: just let the thoughts happen. Trying to control them is what’s heightening your anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is exactly what you need to practice. As I suggested in a recent column, I hope you’ve picked up a copy of the essential CBT book, Feeling Good by David Burns. You might also try the easier-to-digest and equally helpful Self Coaching by Joseph J. Luciani.
It will be nearly impossible to sort out your sexuality without first addressing your anxiety issues. In addition to the CBT, please seriously consider talking to your doctor about medication that could effectively address what may be a biochemical cause of your OCD. Few clinical anxieties can withstand the one-two punch of CBT plus proper medication.
Dealing with these obsessions through compulsions — including and especially constant self-testing for arousal — might make you feel better for a second but no more. Some psychiatric professionals encourage people with OCD to undergo exposure therapy. When you consistently face what you fear and no harm results, your anxiety should be quelled. To employ this method, start viewing gay movies, literature, and so forth in increasing amounts. As your therapist counseled, don’t monitor yourself to see if you’re aroused, just accept any reactions you have. Your goal is not to eliminate obsessive thoughts but to tolerate them without discomfort.
“Bisexuality” is just a label, and many people feel that all sexuality is a dynamic entity with a lifelong arc. You may never be able to pinpoint your sexuality label; your best shot at sanity is just to accept that. Additionally, please recognize that while you can’t control your thoughts or feelings, you always have agency in how you react to them. Even if you have sexual thoughts about men every day for the rest of your life, nothing will force you to act upon them, tell anyone, or label yourself as bisexual if you don’t want to.
King123, the only person who can tell you how you identify sexually is yourself. However, I want you to know that if you are, it’s OK. It’s shameful that the Indian government reinstated the ban on gay sex last December but there’s still a thriving, happy bisexual community in your country and far beyond. Obsessions typically alight on a trait that you think would make you a bad or sad person. Therefore, if you don’t think bisexuality is a negative attribute, you’ll likely stop obsessing on it. And lucky for you — lucky for all of us — it isn’t!
I’ve saved the best for last: Jezebel.com posted this great article on HOCD in 2010 and, for the first time in internet history, the comments are the most supportive part. Uniformly insightful and perceptive, they come from people who have been affected by HOCD in some manner. I hope that reading about their experiences feels to you like a thousand dollars’ worth of therapy! Here are some highlights that speak astutely on this condition — and in many ways, on bisexuality as a larger concept.
“I think OCD really seeks out the very things that are impossible to prove absolutely, as well as the things that have the potential to change your entire view of yourself.”
“Almost all of my obsessions boil down to the one concern that I may not really know who I am or I may be living a lie.”
“The anxiety came mostly from just not knowing, being constantly uncertain, and spending hours trying to figure out something that, I now know, doesn’t have a black-or-white answer anyway.”
Here’s a comment from a bisexual who obsesses over thoughts that they’re not bisexual: “I know instinctively that I am bisexual but anytime my brain perceives a challenge to that understanding, it kicks into overdrive and wants to prove it FOR SURE. Being bisexual, my brain is constantly being ‘challenged’ because any attraction to anyone, boy or girl, could mean that I might really be gay or really be straight. It can be never-ending and quite incapacitating mentally.”
“I think that no matter whom I’m in a relationship with, man or woman, my OCD brain would always question if I should be with the other… Would I be happier? Would it feel more ‘right’?”
“It is so incredibly hard to accept that it’s ok to not know because, oh my God, everyone else on the planet already knows, why don’t I?!” This commenter answers: “Actually, most people don’t really ‘know’ anything for certain. They just don’t spend endless hours trying to figure things out to scientific precision.”
This one is my favorite. “My partner, who has severe OCD, struggled for most of his adolescence with the fear/obsession that he was transgender. I suspect it was the same idea. He got past it by reaching out to transgender persons and making friends, and learning that he would have support and friends even if he was transgender (even though he would likely lose others) and eventually realized he is not transgender. As a result, he has many wonderful friends he might not otherwise have met, and one of my bridesmaids will be a pre-operative MTF transsexual.”
Flashback to Fashion Television on VH1
You gotta roll with what life gives you, whatever it may be. Bisexual, not bisexual — it just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter.
Wild Deuces, you won’t believe it: someone did my job for me this bi-week! Read on while I fix myself a shot of elixir and kick my Irregular Choices up onto the ottoman.
Dear Tiggy,
How can you really know that you’re bisexual? I’m 16 and female and, at the moment, I’m honestly confused as hell.
This happened really suddenly. In fact, last week I wasn’t even questioning my sexuality. I thought I was more or less straight. I had my doubts here and there but then, BAM, I suddenly felt sexually attracted to girls. It wasn’t a gradual attraction, it was as abrupt as they come. And when I say attraction, I mean already thinking about sex, dating, marriage, adoption, the whole shebang.
I’m not at all upset with what I’m feeling. I had an uncle who was gay and I’m extremely close to my godfather and his husband. It’s safe to say that I live in an incredibly supportive environment and acceptance on my mother’s part isn’t anything I’m worried about. I’m just incredibly confused as to what my feelings are telling me.
Am I straight and is my brain somehow “experimenting” with my sexuality or could I be, in fact, bisexual? At some point this week, I’d already suspected that I am bi but there’s always a nagging doubt in the back of my head.
-Cadmium
I set about with an answer, when what to my wondering eyes should appear but Cadmium’s answer from between her own ears…
Dear Tiggy,
Hi. Uh, this is awkward. I actually just wanted to tell you that I did realize that I am bisexual.
I was reading your previous replies to people’s questions, and one of your previous answers was right: no one else can tell me what orientation I am. I actually came out to my mother a couple of weeks ago, and what was surprising was that she already knew. Apparently trying to find the R-rated French films she hid last year had given it away. She was happy – actually, really happy – that I had summoned up the nerve to tell her.
I just wanted to say that you don’t need to answer the question I submitted a few weeks back. I’m recommending your column to a friend that needs it at the moment. Thanks, Tiggy!
-Cadmium
Splendid. What have we learned here?
1.) If I wait long enough, you’ll answer your own questions. Not only will this free up my schedule, but incidentally, I think I’ve stumbled upon the philosophy behind Comcast’s customer service.
This is a thrill. I feel like I’ve potty-trained you, Deuces.
2.) Peruse the old columns or do a search (in the search bar on the right. No, not there, under my face. Yes, that’s it) on your queer query to see if I’ve already answered it. Don’t make me repeat myself and more importantly, I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.
3.) Tell your friends to read up on Tiggy and the rest of the BRC site. How will they ever realize what infectious, good-sex-us, silver Lexus, git-outta-Texas bisexuals they are if you don’t point them in the right direction?
4.) If you want to stay in the closet, that’s fine, but then don’t run around asking where your pile of R-rated French flicks went. You might as well drape yourself in a pink, blue, and purple flag with a headshot of Robyn Ochs taped to your face.
“People? People, I have an announcement! I cannot seem to find my well-worn Amelie DVD. Does anyone know where it is?”
“Oh, real subtle, Howard. We get it, you’re bisexual, Jesus.”
I’m a sixteen-year-old girl and I’m at a really confusing part in my life. As a kid, I identified as straight because I didn’t know there was any other option. I had my first real crush when I entered ninth grade, and it was on a girl. I really wanted her to be my girlfriend. I was really confused, but I made myself get over her. I see girls and check them out. There’s so many of them at my school, it’s like constant bombardment. Every crush I get is on a girl. I do think guys can be cute, though. There’s this one boy that I want as a boyfriend.
Thinking about sex with a guy sounds painful to me, but I’ve never tried it. I’m also curious as to what sex with a girl would feel like. Girls really turn me on. One of my friends came out as lesbian to me and I felt like I should have come out to her, but I have no idea what I am. I have never kissed or been with anyone before. I want to come out. Should I come out as bi?
—Booklover
I want you to think of your sexuality label as a favorite shirt.
Do you have one favorite shirt for your whole life? Probably not — maybe you grow out of it, maybe you move to a different climate and it’s not warm enough anymore, maybe styles change and argyle suddenly seems passe. But it’s just a shirt, not a suitcase of diamonds that you’ve handcuffed yourself to. When it’s not working for you anymore, you get a new one.
The two most important things about this shirt are that you like it and it fits. Only you can decide those things; no one else has to wear your shirt, so they can’t judge whether it’s bunching up in the armpits or if the color kind of washes you out. Tiggy the Saleslady can offer you some suggestions but remember that it’s always in your hands. Don’t let some fool put a shirt on you. And hey, don’t overthink it. Worse case scenario: you get a case of buyer’s remorse, so you get a new shirt. No biggie.
Lemme take a look at you…I’d say you’re probably a size “Q” for “Questioning.” We don’t really know until you try it on, though. You don’t have to wear it in front of anyone right away, or ever. Take plenty of time to look in the mirror and decide how it feels. People usually determine the comfortability based on whether it jibes with their crushes, their fantasies, their romantic history, their politics, their culture, and their view of themselves. You call the shots on how important each one of those things is. Finding the right fit is an art, not a science.
If the “Bisexual” label feels better to you, then great, go with that. “Bisexual” was a label that a lot of questioning folks used to use before “Questioning” became an option. Some bis are still touchy about that, but only because after using our label as a safe harbor, a handful of former-bis went on to spread the false rumor that all bis are just closeted gays/lesbians. (What people don’t realize is that a large amount of folks do the opposite, i.e., identify as gay or lesbian and then later change their label to bisexual.) So as long as you’re not a hater later, you’re more than welcome to snag a fabulous bi shirt for however long you want it.
Why don’t you research what each letter of our community means and see how you feel about them: LGBTTTQQIAA. Also, check out the definitions of these B.I. (bi-inclusive) identities: fluid, pansexual, omnisexual, and pomosexual. You might decide to keep your Straight shirt on for now even though you think you’re growing out of it – that works, too. Last but not least, there are many people who are most content with no sexuality label at all. That’s right, even going topless is an option.
I know that this process can make you feel like you’re in an airport on a layover; you just want to get where you’re going already. But we’re all on our own lifelong, dynamic journeys of sexuality, and getting there is much more than half the fun. I think you should focus on building relationships with people you think are cool, entirely regardless of gender. Absolutely do not push yourself to try anything romantic or sexual that makes you uncomfortable; it will not “prove” anything about your sexuality one way or another.