Today, Tiggy brings sage advice to three Wild Deuces with three little words…
Dear Tiggy,
My girlfriend and I are bi. We’re in college and are partners in thesis. Recently, we talk less and it seems like she is avoiding me. When I ask her if she’s okay, if there is a problem, or if her mother already knows about us, she gets irritated and doesn’t answer the question.
Two days ago, she deleted her relationship status with me in Facebook. I did forget our two-month anniversary but I don’t think that’s why. I have a feeling she still loves me since she hasn’t returned the drawing tablet I gave her as a gift. I don’t know what to do anymore. I miss her.
-Pear Tree
Three words: Talk to her! You’re in a relationship and you deserve the respect of an honest conversation. If she confirms that she wants to break up, it will sting but I suspect you’ll be relieved to at least know where you stand.
Dear Tiggy,
I’ve been questioning my sexuality for a while and I’ve decided that I’m bi. I don’t want to come out to my friends and classmates yet because some of my best friends are not fond of the idea, and I don’t want them to treat me differently.
The problem is, I absolutely NEED to tell someone. (I want to tell my aunt because I love her more than anyone.) I don’t know how to do it or what I should even say.
-Abbey
Three words: Tell your aunt. (I can almost feel the weight being lifted off of your shoulders already!) The BRC’s webpage on “Coming Out as Bisexual” in its Youth section gives great information and the video shows some examples of how other kids have done it. There are some excellent accounts in the book Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World as well, particularly in the second chapter. I think you’ll find that most people either write a letter or blurt it out; in your case, I recommend the latter, but you can practice what you’ll say beforehand. Find a time when you and your aunt are hanging out alone and go for it.
Three tips: 1.) Do tell you aunt what being bisexual means to you. 2.) Don’t tell your aunt that you think “everyone is bisexual.” Speak on behalf of your own feelings. 3.) Your aunt may be wary of keeping this secret from your parents. You can assure her that you’re not in any danger and that you appreciate knowing that you can confide in a trusted adult.
Good luck, Abbey!
Dear Tiggy,
I am 23 and realized that I was bisexual/pansexual/queer a couple of years ago, based solely upon analysis of my inner feelings of attraction and interest. While I understand that this is enough to allow me to label myself as I wish, I feel a deep insecurity about this identity. As I have only kissed a few girls but have been in long-term relationships with several guys, the questions of other people make me feel that I need to act upon my feelings in order to validate them.
However, there are a few extra complications getting in the way of my exploration. I am in a long-distance relationship with a guy. Despite our choice of monogamy, he has specifically permitted me to explore my sexuality – not because he considers female-female relationships as less valid, or receives a voyeuristic pleasure from them, but because he wants me to be happy.
I am rather asocial, so the only way that I would meet someone would probably be by going to a gay bar, in which intentions and orientations are clearer than elsewhere. Alas, in such a place, it would be difficult to explain my situation properly, and I think that most potential partners would be turned off by a) my relationship status and b) my lady-sex virginity. Also, I am sex positive in theory, but have a lot of insecurities in practice; hence, getting together with a stranger when I have no idea what I’m doing is extremely intimidating. Finally, I am extremely nervous about perpetuating stereotypes about bisexuality in the lesbian community by being a woman in a relationship with a man, interested solely in a physical encounter with a woman.
How do I approach this situation? Do I lie/avoid talking about my situation (difficult, because I am honest to a fault and it seems unfair to the other person)? Do I hope that I can stumble upon the rare woman who would be willing to be my guinea pig, so to speak?
-M.
Three words: Find partners online. On OKCupid, for example, you can explain your situation in your profile so people who are not interested in participating can just keep moving. And trust me, you are not nearly the first person on OKCupid in these circumstances.
As for getting together with someone to have sex, no one knows what they’re doing and everyone’s nervous. You know that. If you’re so freaked out that you can’t do it, then you need to come to terms with your insecurity about being bisexual on your own. Regarding the last part, common stereotypes aren’t your problem. You’re not saying every bisexual wants or does this, and you’re allowed to make your own choices. Feminists can be stay-at-home mothers, right? Same thing.
What I think will help you is getting out of your own head and trying to see this experience from your potential sex partner’s point of view. Essentially, it’s the opposite of framing them as a “guinea pig” (and, God, please don’t ever say that again). If you find someone in your exact position, focus on the even exchange – and fun! – of being each other’s “first.” For a lady looking for a quick fling, communicate with her at length about what she likes in bed, dim the lights, and give it the ol’ college try. Taking the spotlight off yourself and getting into the giving spirit should shake off those nerves a bit and provide you with a little direction.
You got this, M. Log in and git down.
© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.