Dear Tiggy,
I recently found out that my husband of seven years has been viewing bi porn. I had my suspicions that he may have these tendencies but we are in a monogamous, loving, hetero marriage.
We are currently in counseling because I was overwhelmed with having this in front of my face and felt betrayed. I’m angry and afraid that this might destroy our relationship, and because he never really admitted it to me, even though I questioned him over the years.
Now it is out, and our therapist is very optimistic that we can overcome it and stay married and faithful. I’m dealing with my confusion and coming from a place of kindness instead of insecurity and resentment. I am convinced that my husband truly loves and is devoted to me and our wonderful life together.
In your opinion, is this a common bump in the road that we can grow and recover from? Can he fight his urges and remain faithful to me? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I just need to be able to set aside my fears in a positive, understanding way and drop the whole thing. We both want our marriage to last forever and he is willing to not view the things he knows would upset me. He realizes it is deceitful even though there is no physical acting out.
I am hopeful that with continued therapy, we can sort all this out and move beyond it. I respect your honest opinion and need to know that we are on the right path.
—Sea Dubbs
Communicating with honesty and kindness and working with a trained therapist is the right path no matter what, I’d say.
Yes, bisexuals are capable of monogamy. You’re one of my many readers who has confused bisexuality with polyamory. One doesn’t necessarily go with the other. Here, read this.
However, there’s an important unanswered question: can your husband identify his sexuality? The fact that he views bisexual pornography is not a definitive indicator to whether he is –- or isn’t –- bisexual, straight, or gay. Perhaps he knows how he identifies but hasn’t been honest with you because he’s afraid you’ll shame him, think he’s abnormal, be disappointed, or make him stop looking at porn.
Each couple comes up with their own terms for cheating; I think it’s time for you to reevaluate yours. Do you want your husband to eschew all porn, or just anything that indicates he’s other than heterosexual? If it’s the latter, would your opinion change if you accept that his preferred pornography is not the final judgment on his sexuality? Do you understand that even if you banned male porn for him, he can still use his imagination?
Do you fantasize about people, situations, and sexual acts that you would never want to experience in real life? If so, then why can’t your husband do the same?
My point is that mutually defining your terms for cheating is fair game, but you may have crossed a line. You cannot control him and it’s unfair for you to try. In fact, it will likely backfire as he does what he wants anyway and lies to you about it.
I think for him to be honest with you, he needs to know that you won’t try to control him, particularly using faulty information on sexuality. Show him that you’re willing to work toward that; I bet he’ll return the favor by eventually telling you who and what he’s really attracted to. And with the right information, you won’t feel threatened by it.
© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.