September 3, 2013

Posted on by asktiggy

Two letters, one answer, Deuces. Let’s do this.

Dear Tiggy,

Recently my boyfriend told me he wasn’t sure he’s straight. He was really upset when he told me. While he said he is only attracted to women, he added that he gets off on both homosexual and heterosexual porn. As far as I know, this is the only reason he is confused.

Does this mean he is bisexual or still heterosexual? Or is it a latent homosexual tendency? I’m confused and not sure how I feel. He was really scared to tell me because he thought I would break up with him. I still love him so much but can’t help but worry about this.

-Rachel

Dear Tiggy,

I am a 45 year old man and have found over the last several years that more and more of my sexual fantasies, and almost all of the pornography I have been watching, is gay. I spoke to a girlfriend who suggested I explore it, so I had sex with another man. I haven’t been attracted to men as I encounter them, although the fantasies and pornography make me feel I seek a bisexual lifestyle.

Is it possible that I can be excited by the same sex in image and fantasy but really that is where it ends, or should I seek to be more open?

-Tom

Listen: sex is weird.

Sexual feelings and behavior are complex. Odd. Counterintuitive. Hysterical. Stenchy. People who act like they know anything about sex are lying to you and lying to themselves, especially “experts.” Sex is the only field in which you cannot even fully trust scientists.

But this I know for sure: your porn predilections are not the final word on your sexuality. I know lesbians who much prefer gay male porn, gay men who enjoy straight porn, and, yes, straight men who are consistently aroused by gay porn. And trust me, those combos are just the tip of the perverted iceberg. Friends, if you only knew what’s going on below sea-level.

Rachel, first off, there’s no such thing as a “latent homosexual tendency.” That’s some Freud-talk right there, and he was the most sexually f’ed up person the world has ever known. (He gave some poor woman a coke-laced nose job because she masturbated a lot. The hell?) In any case, if that really is the only reason your boyfriend thinks he might be bisexual, then he’s not…but if he was that upset about telling you, I suspect there may be more he’s not saying. I’d sit down with him, tell him that you can’t have a relationship without total honesty, and ask him to tell you everything. That last word leaves it open-ended so he’s more likely to spill on anything he might have been hiding regarding his sexual behavior.

Tom, it’s difficult for me to offer my perspective if I don’t know how you felt about having sex with another man. It would also help to know how hard you had to work to find this guy; that says something about the strength of your motivation to bring this fantasy to life. I do find it interesting that you hauled off and had sex with a dude (for the first time, I assume?) just because your female friend (that’s what you meant by “a girlfriend,” right?) suggested it. What I can tell you is that whether you choose to relegate your enjoyment of men to your mind or explore it more with real people is entirely up to you. Yes, either is possible.

There are a bunch of reasons people watch porn that doesn’t perfectly complement their sexuality. Some people put a premium on hot men, which they find in gay porn much more than in straight porn. Some imagine they are one of the actors/actresses. Some are entranced by what’s happening far more than who’s doing it. And sure, some people are closeted. But porn is only one small piece of anyone’s personal sexual puzzle, so instead of fixating on what this one thing might mean, we should all probably just enjoy it in whatever form we please. That’s what it’s there for.

 
Sex is weird.
 

Talk about it, Heart.
 


© 2013 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

May 15, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I recently found out that my husband of seven years has been viewing bi porn. I had my suspicions that he may have these tendencies but we are in a monogamous, loving, hetero marriage.

We are currently in counseling because I was overwhelmed with having this in front of my face and felt betrayed. I’m angry and afraid that this might destroy our relationship, and because he never really admitted it to me, even though I questioned him over the years.

Now it is out, and our therapist is very optimistic that we can overcome it and stay married and faithful. I’m dealing with my confusion and coming from a place of kindness instead of insecurity and resentment. I am convinced that my husband truly loves and is devoted to me and our wonderful life together.

In your opinion, is this a common bump in the road that we can grow and recover from? Can he fight his urges and remain faithful to me? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I just need to be able to set aside my fears in a positive, understanding way and drop the whole thing. We both want our marriage to last forever and he is willing to not view the things he knows would upset me. He realizes it is deceitful even though there is no physical acting out.

I am hopeful that with continued therapy, we can sort all this out and move beyond it. I respect your honest opinion and need to know that we are on the right path.

—Sea Dubbs

Communicating with honesty and kindness and working with a trained therapist is the right path no matter what, I’d say.

Yes, bisexuals are capable of monogamy. You’re one of my many readers who has confused bisexuality with polyamory. One doesn’t necessarily go with the other. Here, read this.

However, there’s an important unanswered question: can your husband identify his sexuality? The fact that he views bisexual pornography is not a definitive indicator to whether he is –- or isn’t –- bisexual, straight, or gay. Perhaps he knows how he identifies but hasn’t been honest with you because he’s afraid you’ll shame him, think he’s abnormal, be disappointed, or make him stop looking at porn.

Each couple comes up with their own terms for cheating; I think it’s time for you to reevaluate yours. Do you want your husband to eschew all porn, or just anything that indicates he’s other than heterosexual? If it’s the latter, would your opinion change if you accept that his preferred pornography is not the final judgment on his sexuality? Do you understand that even if you banned male porn for him, he can still use his imagination?

Do you fantasize about people, situations, and sexual acts that you would never want to experience in real life? If so, then why can’t your husband do the same?

My point is that mutually defining your terms for cheating is fair game, but you may have crossed a line. You cannot control him and it’s unfair for you to try. In fact, it will likely backfire as he does what he wants anyway and lies to you about it.

I think for him to be honest with you, he needs to know that you won’t try to control him, particularly using faulty information on sexuality. Show him that you’re willing to work toward that; I bet he’ll return the favor by eventually telling you who and what he’s really attracted to. And with the right information, you won’t feel threatened by it.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

April 3, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

For years, I’ve wondered what it’s like to go down on another man. Thought about it, fantasized about it, watched porn about it, even obsessed about it while being in a straight, long term, and committed relationship. I like to wear lipstick and used to like dressing and speaking as a women, i.e. posing as a woman and providing phone sex to men. I was pretty good at it and liked doing it, but then I’d think “I’m insanely stressed right now, I’ll get past this.” And eventually, I did.

At this point, I haven’t cross-dressed in years, nor have I worn lipstick in years, although I still have some hidden. The one thing that hasn’t gone away is my need for men but I’ve never acted on my desire for them. (Believe me, I’m still attracted to women.) If I’m bi and in Los Angeles, where do I go and how do I go about telling a man I want to go down on him? On a larger scale, how do I begin to live more authentically?

By the way, my Christian church has a thing about homosexuality of any kind. They’d literally burn me like a witch if they knew I thought like this and had these kinds of demons burning inside.

—The Baztard

I think we’ve located the problem. It’s your church.

Why do you choose to be part of a community that would hate your guts if they actually knew you? Why wouldn’t you walk away from a group of people who give you the choice of either being ostracized for being your normal, healthy self or hiding your true nature and being miserable? Maybe you grew up in this church and it’s all you know, but Buddy, something’s got to give here. For years, you’ve been back and forth about whether you want to fulfill your desires, and I’d say the reason you feel so conflicted is because you’re peppered with constant messages that these desires – and you! – are demonic. There’s no way that that doesn’t affect you.

Actively fill up your life with people and things that love everything about the real you – or would, if you shared it with them. Make it so there is zero room for those that cast shame upon you. Start going to one of these churches instead. If church is a big part of your life, transitioning to a new one will be tough at first. But deprogramming from the hate and living an authentic life is going to make you feel so, so much better.

Oh, and: ManHunt.com or Craigslist.org’s Casual Encounters.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.