December 25, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

In honor of the holiday, wise woman Tiggy brings you these three gifts. Enjoy spending time with loved ones, Wild Deuces.


Dear Tiggy,

I’ve considered myself bi for a while but almost all of my partners have been guys. I am now dating a girl and am positive that I’m bi since I’m really attracted to her and I love her. But is it ok to miss having a relationship with a guy since girls can’t really have sex the same way a man and a woman can? I’m a little worried and confused.

-Angel

It’s OK to feel that way. This is just part of realizing that your partner cannot fulfill every desire you’ve ever had.

So maybe you miss your ex’s…uh, delicious cooking, but you wouldn’t give up your life with your current partner for all the kielbasa in Poland. There’s nothing to be done but feel your feelings, as the emotional gurus say, and let them pass. As long you don’t use this as an excuse to hurt your partner –- for example, by cheating on her or implying that she’s not enough for you –- then you’re golden.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 19 and just recently came out of the closet as bisexual. When I explained to some people that I’ve known I am bi since I was young, they didn’t believe me. I was crushing on both girls and guys on sixth grade but never said anything about it to anyone. Is it possible to know from as young an age as I did?

-Frankin-nonsense

Let me hand you a virtual mirror: you’re asking me if something you actually experienced is possible.

I’m sure your friends who disbelieve you don’t mean any harm, but they’ve actually got you thinking that they know more about your own experiences than you do. Trust yourself. Don’t let people mess with your head.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m not bisexual yet but I have been curious about gayness for a long time. At the moment, I don’t have a girlfriend and I have been dating this feminine-looking gay guy, or “ladyboy,” for a few weeks. We have not yet been intimate but I date him discreetly, as it’s not easy to hang out publicly.

I am attracted to feminine-looking gay guys but not as much to male figures. I’m always getting excited when I talk to my friends about gay issues or what I would do if I became gay. Yet, I also have feelings for women.

I don’t know how to continue being. Am I bisexual or is this is just curiosity?

-Myrrh?

You’ve done excellent work in identifying who you’re attracted to sexually and romantically. I wouldn’t belittle it by calling it curiosity because I don’t believe a flight of fancy accurately describes what you’re feeling.

Your question boils down to how you choose to identify your orientation. Please type the word “label” in the search bar on the right and sift through what we’ve already said on this topic. If the word “queer” is not offensive to you, you might want to use it as your own label. It’s a broad description of anyone whose romantic or sexual attractions differ from the norm.

And by the way, there is a major community of men who love men who look like women. Many of them find their lovers in Thailand because being a ladyboy is a culturally accepted concept there. Here in America, these people might identify as trans women; you’ll also find a rich history of drag queens (bi or gay men who dress in costume as women) across the globe.

Men who love ladyboys identify their sexual orientation in many different ways. Take a look at this three-part documentary on ladyboys to see one person’s experience.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 27, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a man in my 20s who is very likely bisexual with a slight leaning towards women. From all outward perspectives, I’m a traditionally masculine man and have no issues with dating women.

The thing is, I am going to attend cosmetology school and we all know there is a stereotype about men who are hairdressers. As stupid as it is, I’m really worried that if I am bisexual, women will just assume that I’m a closeted gay guy because of the double whammy of saying I’m bisexual and being a hairdresser.

I shouldn’t care what people think, but I still want to have a fairly wide dating pool of women. Of course, I’m probably the one who sounds bigoted by asking for advice about this.

-Ryan

Is “sincere, thoughtful dude asking a question to which thousands of people want an answer” the new definition of “bigot”? Ah, semantics, you shape-shifting chameleon in army fatigues.

I recently made a new friend on OKCupid who identifies as a lesbian. She said something typically fabulous, to which I responded that she is a truly righteous bi ally. She explained that she’s more than a bi ally – that, in fact, the only reason she doesn’t date men is because her “milkshake does not bring any of the boys to the yard.” For some reason, her milkshake appears to be only of interest to girls.

We all do this to some degree; we “market” ourselves according to our strengths. I’ve said before that how you identify sexually is typically based on your crushes, fantasies, romantic history, sexual activity, politics, culture, and your view of yourself. These many ingredients make up a fairly complex and subjective reality. At the end of the day, how you choose to identify comes down to how it makes you feel about yourself.

In the simplest terms, it seems that you’re grappling with feeling like you’re lying if you identify as straight vs. missing out on the lady hook-ups if you identify as bi. (And for any Pollyannas out there saying, “You wouldn’t want to have sex with a biphobe anyway,” well, that’s easy to say when you’re not jonesin’ for it. As the Bible tells us, let he who is holding an unwanted milkshake in an empty yard cast the first stone.) But you have a lot more options than that.

Read up on how other bi guys handle this issue in Getting Bi and start following the Facebook pages for the Bisexual Resource Center and Bisexual Men. You’ll quickly see that there are an array of labels that might work for you (including “no label”) and tons of choices for who, when, and how to disclose your sexual identity. I bid you go forth and identify yourself in the most personally authentic manner that scares away the least booty.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 26, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My daughter, who is a 17-year-old high school senior, recently told me she is bisexual. I feel like she has been lying to me for years and this has taken a huge bite out of my total trust in her.

Now she wants to not tell her dad or stepmom and I am upset that I will be forced to lie about her to others. She is very involved in her schools GSA – in fact, she’s the president – and I have been asked by several people if she is gay. In the past, I always said “no,” but now I feel like that would be a mis-truth.

Should I encourage her to tell her dad and stepmom or leave it up to her? She is afraid of their reaction, fearing it won’t be good. Also, how should I answer curious gossipers when they get nosy? I want to be supportive and not destroy our fragile friendship but I also need to be the parent and guide her.

-Want To Be Supportive

Imagine you are your daughter. You’re 17 so you’re just starting to figure out who you are, which can be confusing and scary. As a teenager, you’re still pretty dependent on your parents’ approval. Some feelings are coming up, feelings that you can’t control. Sorting them out to any degree takes time. Eventually you realize that if you share them, your friends and family might not like you anymore; if you don’t, you might explode.

Can you see how terrified she must be? It speaks volumes about the strength of your relationship that she trusted you with this information. She needs you now. Framing this as a betrayal misses the point. She was likely questioning her sexuality for a while before knowing enough to come out to herself, never mind anyone else. And once she reached that point, she had to risk disappointing you – her mother, her world. None of this has anything to do with breaking your trust.

Can you also see how all of her options for handling this are pretty lousy? Being burdened with someone else’s secret is uncomfortable…but not as “uncomfortable” as your daughter losing her father and stepmother’s acceptance, right? Tell her privately that you don’t like the secrets and lies so if they ask you about her sexuality, you’ll tell her father and stepmother to direct any personal questions about your daughter to her. If she then chooses to lie to them, please stay out of it. Your daughter needs to feel that she has her own agency in disclosing this personal information.

Nosy gossips are much easier to deal with, as they should be ashamed of asking about the sexual proclivity of a minor. Master a polite-but-confused smile and flash it as you say, “I don’t discuss my teenage daughter’s sexuality in public” (the unspoken coda being, “…obviously, you boob”).

By understanding what your daughter is going through, you can let this new reality bring you closer. Read this, consider visiting a local PFLAG chapter, stand by your girl, you’re going to be fine.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

October 2, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

This may seem like an obvious question, but I’m wondering how to come out as bisexual. There’s a lot of info about coming out as gay, which is great, but nothing seems to be aimed specifically at bisexuals.

-Lisa

Not obvious in the least, my Deuce! You’ve hit upon a real need in our community: a guide to coming out geared toward the unique obstacles that bisexuals face in the process. How could our fabulous fellow non-monos* have failed to create such a guide by now? I think you may have just sparked the brilliant idea that gets this bi ball rolling…

For now, there are a few resources that, while perhaps not perfect for this task, should be edifying, on-point reads. Start with a recent article in the Huffington Post from BiNet USA’s President, Faith Cheltenham. She shines an entertaining light on the stages many of us experience while coming to terms with our bisexuality in a world that’s not quite ready to embrace us. Next, jump on over to the BRC’s “Coming Out as Bi” webpage. It addresses what it means for a bisexual person to come out and the variety of options one has in doing so. You might also want to look at Chapter Two of Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World to see personal essays on how other bis have dealt with this. Finally, as Faith recommends in her article, pick up a copy of The Bisexual’s Guide to the Universe by Nicole Krystal and Mike Szymanski. Aside from offering more information than Bill Nye doing the backstroke in a pool of Trivial Pursuit cards, it’s fun. It reminds you that there are millions of us bisexuals, and we’re all connected.

Much luck on your journey, Lisa. When the BRC creates the definitive how-to on coming out as bi, you’ll be the first to know!

*Non-monos: Non-monosexuals, otherwise known as bisexuals. Monosexuals are those who are only attracted to one sex or gender.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 21, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a lesbian who is dating a bi woman ten years my senior. We’re trying to figure out how to consolidate housing. The thing is, she had a rough divorce when her son was two and survived being a single parent by keeping all of her relationships at arm’s length.

Now that things have heated up between us, she has gone ice cold. Her house is more than an hour commute from mine, and I already spend three hours every week day commuting to and from work. From my house, which she helped me pick out two years ago, her commute to work is only half an hour, and a bus stop that we could both use is a couple of miles away.

Her son is a sophomore in college and on break right now, so she wants to be with him and put our relationship on hold. Since my house is a cottage, we would need to build an addition for her son to have his own room. She thinks instead of selling, she should just close up her house while her son is in school. I don’t like that because I want us to all live together, which means she has to sell or rent out her house.

I am only the second woman she has dated, and the first was long distance. She has started coming out but it’s sporadic so, for example, I don’t get invited to some family functions. We really love each other, but I think her experience with men in particular made her feel like she has to be totally independent from any partner, both financially and emotionally. She doesn’t seem to understand that I cannot go back in a closet –- I’ve been out for 20 years!

We really need help turning this corner, possibly through a couples’ counselor. She feels like she could use someone to talk to who understands her coming out process, since she has lived in a straight world for umpteen years. What do you recommend?

-Let Bi-Gones…

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head: this isn’t so much about housing logistics as it is her comfort in being totally out. Good for you for showing such compassion, from suggesting a couples’ counselor (instead of just a therapist for her) to preferring a professional who specifically deals with issues of bisexuality. I’m sure you’re frustrated with this, having been out for a score and in this relationship for at least two years, so your balance between patience and looking out for your own needs is commendable.

Please call or write to the BRC (617-424-9595, brc [at] biresource [dot] net) and tell us where you live so we can find you a bi-friendly therapist in your area. We can also suggest some local resources for your girlfriend that will give her the proper support as she begins to fully accept herself. There’s a whole bisexual community waiting to welcome her!

I’m optimistic that you two are on your way to getting closer, geographically and emotionally. The BRC is looking forward to hearing from you.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 23, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 31-year-old male married to a woman. I’ve always been pretty out with my bisexuality and found the gay community astonishingly closed-minded. This is about my parents, specifically my dad.

When I lived at home, I truly believe that had I tried to explain that I was bisexual and heteroromantic, I would have been kicked out. Now I’m more financially stable than my parents and several states away. I’ve been wanting recently, especially now that I’m married, to officially state to them what my orientation is. I’m sure my mom already knows and couldn’t possibly care less. She’s cool like that.

However, my dad is very religious and I think it would simply hurt him. I’m not sure if he could even understand it if I explained it to him. Lately, it’s been gnawing away at me as we’ve gotten a bit closer in recent months. I don’t know if I should just suppress it and spare him, or let it out and feel better. I’m not sure how much it would hurt him or how much it would help me. What do you think?

-Anthony

Coming out in the societally proscribed manner of sitting people down, pausing dramatically, and trumpeting, “I AM A BISEXUAL” isn’t for everyone. There are so many ways to let friends and family know that side of you. I think that in coming out to your father, you should think outside of the box.

It sounds like you’re ready to come out to your mom, so go for it. And here’s a thought: if you think it will empower her (as opposed to burdening her), tell her that you don’t have any plans as of yet to come out to your father, but you don’t mind if she tells him. Not only are you saving her from the uncomfortable position of keeping a secret from him, but you’re also allowing the person who knows him best to present the information in the most palatable way (if at all).

My take on your situation is that while you and your dad love each other, you don’t really “get” each other. There’s a pretty high probability that he won’t be able to accept your news in the way that you’ll convey it. Your mother, however, loves and gets both of you; who better to act as an emotional translator?

Once you tell your mother this, consider it done. Go forward assuming he knows on some level. I don’t foresee any talks about the men you dated prior to marrying your wife, but I doubt that would have happened in any circumstance. I think the tangible difference will be your not having to hide evidence of your sexuality anymore. That may be the closest you can get to him on this aspect of your life.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 12, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 15 years old and just started to fully accept that I’m bi within the past year. All of my friends know and pretty much the whole school knows, too. I have faced some bullying but was always able to brush it off, say something witty, make them look stupid, and leave them babbling as they ran away in defeat.

Right now, I have a girlfriend and even though it’s only been a month, I love her very much. For our one-month anniversary, I thought it would be a nice surprise if I told my mom about is. My mom had asked me once or twice if I was a lesbian but I never wanted to tell her anything for fear that she wouldn’t accept me.

Because I couldn’t talk to her face-to-face, I wrote her a long letter explaining everything. Even though she replied that it is OK if I’m not straight, she basically told me that she does not accept my lifestyle, that I have no clue what I’m even saying, and that I’m just setting myself up for bad things in the future. I told her that I know what I’m getting into but she just tells me over and over that I have no clue.

I feel like she hates me and I keep beating myself up over it because it was stupid of me to tell her anything. But what happened happened, and there is no going back. Now I’m trying to find things to help her understand who I am. Are there any websites or anything that you could please give me to make it easier to explain to her? I could use a lot of help right now.

-Kitty

I’m sorry that your coming out to your mom didn’t go so well. But I’m ordering you to stop beating yourself up and start patting yourself on the back. You totally came out! You’ve successfully deflected bullying! You have a girlfriend who you love! You’re doing great!

And while I don’t know you or your mom, please trust me on this because I’m 100% sure: your mom does not hate you. She’s worried about you and she wants to protect you. You’re smart to want to give her resources because it sounds like she’s not sure how to wrap her head around all this.

Ask her to read this letter. It’s from a father of five specifically to parents whose child has just come out as bi. There’s lots of good info in there. Suggest to her that she surf around the rest of the Bisexual Resource Center’s website, too, for more ideas and thoughts on bisexuality in general.

Then, show her the website for PFLAG –- Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Don’t let the name throw you; this preeminent support organization for parents and friends of queer people is bi-friendly. Not only does PFLAG offer excellent information, but it also provides peer-led support groups all over the country. When she’s ready, help your mom find the local PFLAG chapter and encourage her to attend. She’ll meet other parents like her who have gone through a child coming out to them. They can relate to her and guide her through this process.

Keep your head up, Kitty. It was a sweet idea for an anniversary present, and maybe it didn’t go over like a tickertape parade but you’re on the right track. It’s clear that your mother loves you and wants the best for you. Give her some resources and a little time to adjust. I have a good feeling about this.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

February 7, 2012

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m 14 years old and I’m bisexual. I came out in 8th grade but now I’m in high school…and no one remembers! I’m too scared to come out again to even more people. I don’t really care what people say, but I guess I’m afraid of not being accepted.

I have one gay guy friend but he is so loud and proud that I wouldn’t bring it up with him. He’s definitely not one to trust with such a topic. Otherwise, I have no one to talk to about this: no lesbian who I could ask for advice, no groups in my town.

I’m not trying to sound all sad and dramatic or anything. I’m just tired of having WWIII in my head. Do I have to come out again? And how can I do it this time so it sticks?

—Back in the closet


It’s not much of a consolation, but I think your experience is pretty common for young queer folks. Years ago, a good friend of mine came out to her mom but then tacked on the phrase, “Actually, I think everyone is bi” at the end, so her mom decided that she didn’t mean any of what she said. She then had to come out to her again. What a pain.

Unfortunately, adults don’t always take 14-year-olds seriously because they assume your identity changes every ten minutes as you try to figure out who you are. As for your friends, maybe they let themselves forget because they weren’t sure how to deal with it, and because they didn’t have to: you probably didn’t talk about it or date anyone. Whatever the reason, I’m sorry that you have to go through this hassle.

You’ve got a couple of options. One is to slip it into conversation with a close friend who you told last year. If you two are alone and she’s talking about some guy she thinks is cute, mention that you think he is too, but you also think this girl is cute. If she reacts with surprise, you can say, “I told you last year that I liked guys and girls, remember?” Try to act casual, like it’s no big deal. Assume that it will eventually get around school, but know that your news might inspire a bunch of other people to come out.

Another option is to start a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance, or some schools are now calling them a Gender and Sexuality Alliance) at school with your gay friend. You can just let people assume that you’re a straight ally until you feel comfortable with the group. If you think your school isn’t ready for a GSA, you might start an anti-bullying club which can focus on protecting the LGBT kids. Either way, you’ll get to know other people in the group who are at least accepting of bisexuality…and at best, dateable. Choose a nice teacher or guidance counselor to sponsor the group; s/he may well become a source of support for you, too.

I’ll leave you with this: if 10% of all people are queer, there have to be a lot of people at your school who feel the same way as you, not to mention straight allies. If you can find these kindred spirits, you’ll feel comfortable talking about this stuff with them, and you won’t have to come out all the time.

© 2012 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

November 15, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I have just recently come out as bi to a few close friends. Now, a year into my marriage, I am feeling less and less attraction to men and more and more of an attraction to women. It’s actually become somewhat uncontrollable. I have become involved with a female friend of mine, mainly on an emotional (and, at times, physical) level. She is so wonderful and when I am with her, I feel so relaxed and I feel like myself. This is not the first time in my relationship with my husband that this has happened. Any advice?

—Bi Wife

Wild Deuces, I have to admit that my first impulse was to be a bit tough on this questioner, as I felt she was being selfish and dishonest with her husband. But I knew that that wasn’t fair to her. I needed to try harder to be sympathetic and see where she was coming from. I thought that perhaps a bit more information might allow me to be less judgmental, so I wrote back to Bi Wife and asked, “Why did you get married?” She replied:

Dear Tiggy,

I got married because I loved my partner. I thought he was the one. I thought I loved him enough that I could suppress or ignore these other feelings I was having. He seemed OK with the fact that I was attracted to women. I’ve had “feelings” for a very long time; I can even remember having them in high school over 10 years ago. I grew up in North Carolina and didn’t really even know what it meant to be LGBT until I moved to Boston four years ago. I thought that all girls felt the way I feel and that it was just a phase. I wish I had known then what I know now.

—Bi Wife

And that’s all it took for me to get over my judgment and see the perspective of this particular Deuce. Actually, I was surprised that she didn’t seem offended by my question. I think if someone asked me why I got married, even if I had revealed that the marriage was not in a solid place, I’d say, “Because I loved zir,* duh.” But in just a few earnest words, she conveyed to me exactly how easy it would be to wind up in her shoes. Thanks for that, Bi Wife. Now that I’ve gotten over my knee-jerk snippiness, I can honestly say that my heart goes out to you.

I think the universe really threw you off when it gave you the opportunity to better understand your sexuality well after it gave you a great guy. It really should have done it in the opposite order, and now your life schedule is all out of whack. The universe is an idiot and kind of a jerkface. I think this is what scientists mean when they say the universe is dense.

Because of this, you’ve been trying to find your way through this process of self-discovery while staying married. It sounds like this process has gotten messy, and you need to admit the hard truth to yourself that you’ve cheated on your spouse with at least two people. Maybe you’re even ready to admit to yourself that exploration of your queer sexuality while being monogamously married to a man isn’t exactly working. However, I wouldn’t suggest that you make any immediate decisions about your whole arrangement; figuring this all out will be a process, so take your time.

Since you’re in Boston, I highly recommend that you attend the peer-led group, “Straight Marriage, Still Questioning” on the second Monday of each month. For more information, contact kate.e.flynn [at] gmail [dot] com. Unlike with your sometimes-slow pal Tiggy, you won’t have to wait a single second for these folks to “get” you. They’re in the same position you are and will welcome you into their mutually-supportive space with open arms.

I wish you much faith and courage on this difficult figuring-out period in your life, Bi Wife. I can only suggest that you try as hard as you can to be honest with yourself as you go along. And one more thing: I’d hold off on having children with your husband until you get this all sorted, if I were you.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

*gender neutral pronoun

November 1, 2011

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

After a ten-year hiatus, I (a woman) have started dating a woman. This is not the problem; in fact, this is wonderful. The issue is that when I was a teenager, I never felt the need to come out to my family, and now that I am older, I think that it’s high time, uncomfortable though it may be. 

Now, this woman is wonderful, but my decision to come out at this time is one that I’m making because it’s time. How do I manage this in such a way that it doesn’t put an undue pressure on this very new relationship? I don’t want her to feel the responsibility for what I’m dealing with family-wise, as it doesn’t really have anything to do with her.

—Late Bloomer

Well…doesn’t it? I mean, it’s a pretty big coincidence that you feel it’s time to come out at the very moment you start dating a most fabulous woman (congrats, by the way!).

She’s dating you, and that means all of you — your whole, wonderfully complicated package. She’s dating a woman who has been comfortably out to herself, and possibly her friends as well, for years and years, but not out to her family. Your new belle is probably having a great time getting to know your interesting self, and this is part of that. Not only can she handle it, I’ll bet she’s enjoying the ride. Creating bonds with someone is as messy as a Gallagher show, but if she couldn’t take getting splashed with watermelon juice, she wouldn’t have bought a ticket.

Aside from the above acceptance and lezzie-faire attitude, you can feel free to put off introducing her to your family for a bit. Your relationship is still in its burgeoning stage and your family probably wants to chew on your news on their own timetable. When she doesn’t have to manage your family’s feelings but also isn’t “shielded” from yours, you’ll know you’ve hit the right balance.

© 2011 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.