October 14, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

Having come out to myself, my wife of 31 years, and the world in the past year, I’m having the hardest time meeting older, bisexual men who understand my efforts to create a new phase of our marriage rather than divorce and pretend to be gay.

Where/how can I meet older, bisexual men? I live in a gay-friendly East Coast city. I joined local GAMMA support groups, MeetUps, and volunteer at a LGBTQ community center. These efforts create no friendships. I find hookups online, but they don’t lead to friends or relationships.

-Peter

Peter, I am not a man nor am I in my 50s, as you presumably are. As such, I didn’t want to address your dilemma without consulting a few bi friends with experience in these demographics. Here’s what my friend, Slick Boot, had to say:

“It does suck that that’s the reality for older single or unpartnered bi guys. But that reality has probably more to do with being male than being bi. And being male, unfortunately, more often than not, means that what is sought is primarily physical attraction, which mostly means youth, good looks and sexual stamina. You see, the main reason bi guys over 35 don’t band together is that they’re still looking to hook up with those bi guys in their 20s. Believe me, I’m not judging them as a group, mainly because I’m as guilty as any other older bi guy. We really have no one but ourselves to blame for our predicament.”

Ugh, self-defeating behavior is so frustrating. I spent a fair amount of time in a city where all of the queer women complained that only butches date femmes and vice versa…and then proceed to play into that exact system. Similarly, while I believe there is a critical mass of queer men looking for an emotional connection, they lament that other queer men aren’t…and then proceed to only seek out and respond to sex. And let’s not even get started about how we’ve all been utterly brainwashed by the ever-pounding surf of media that young = attractive and old (35+) = revolting.

This news seems like a total buzzkill but I value Slick Boot’s honest appraisal of the problems and I hope you at least find it validating. When I dug a little further with him on how he connected to guys like himself, he revealed that he did so through the fetish community. A-ha — so you can meet bi guys through other alternative sexuality fellowships! One such fellowship that I’d recommend to you, Peter, is the poly(amorous) community. They tend to be accepting of bisexuals and they won’t bat an eye at your having a primary partner. Take a look at LoveMore.com, Polyamory.org, and FetLife.com. (OK, that last one’s primarily a fetish site, but it actually has poly connections even for people who aren’t kinky.)

Another friend, Wayne Bryant, author of the excellent book Bisexual Characters in Film, says this: “Peter, the best way to meet bisexual men is through bisexual-specific events. Since you didn’t mention any in your note, there probably aren’t any in your city or you would be attending. Therefore: start one. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. Start with something simple and non-intimidating, like a brunch or dinner for bisexual men. You can post it at the LGBTQ center where you volunteer, on MeetUp.com, and on Craigslist. Nearly all of my bi male friends have come as the result of organizing community events like these. If you get something going on a monthly basis, get in touch with groups in other cities and have them link to your events, so that people looking around the web will be able to connect and participate.”

Now that’s some serious wisdom, not unlike what my pal, Dr. X, said about creating a sex club. Maybe you don’t feel that you’re the organizer type, but it doesn’t have to be complicated. I’d add these tips to what Wayne said:

  • If hosting a brunch at restaurant or a potluck meal at your house is not your jam, how about having a card game? It provides an activity that busies your hands but still leaves room to talk when you want. Bonus: if you have it at your home, it provides an easy way to come out as married.

  • You might advertise on bulletin boards in your city’s queer male neighborhood (assuming it has one) and the local LGBTQ newspaper (again, if there is one). I find that vintage queer dudes often prefer to kick it Luddite-style with paper announcements.

  • In your flyers/online announcement, I’d specify that you’re inviting gay and bi men in their 40s and up. Target the people you want to create the community you envision.

One more thing: in years long past, I tried many of the same stuff you have to meet more people but, like you, had trouble making lasting connections. My mistake was doing different activities in different places with different people every time I ventured out. I learned that in order to make friends, you have to become a regular. Folks need to become accustomed to your face. If you see the same people at least every week or two, whether it’s at a GAMMA meeting or the local hardware shop, you’ll start to bond. And don’t be afraid to say, “I’m going for a beer/coffee at Schmoe’s. Anyone want to come with?” as a group of you gets off a volunteer shift. These little tweaks to your social repertoire should yield better results.

Another perk of having card games is impressing everyone with your cardistry skillz.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

September 30, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

It’s another two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!

Dear Tiggy,

I am pretty sure that I am bisexual, and I have had crushes on both men and women since I was twelve. I am nineteen now and I have never felt safe or comfortable telling anybody about my sexual orientation.

My older sister has a severe personality disorder, and will likely never marry or have kids, which makes me feel a lot of pressure to be the daughter that my parents didn’t get the first time around. If I told them what I was, I know they would be supportive but they would also be upset and I can’t bring any more grief into their lives.

Also, I highly value my friendships with heterosexual girls, and even though I have never been attracted to a straight girl, I am worried that they would feel uncomfortable with me if I came out to them.

My question for you is, do some people who are bisexual stay in the closet their entire lives and does this have a negative effect on them? All I want is to be happy.

-Eliza

Nah, you couldn’t care less about making yourself happy. You want to make sure everyone around you is happy, even if it kills you. Maybe especially if it kills you. You, my lovely lady, have a martyr complex.

Here are some things that are not your job:

  • To be the daughter your parents want /“deserve”
  • To produce a son-in-law and grandkids for your parents
  • To eliminate all grief in your parents’ lives
  • To assure your straight friends that you are not sexually or romantically interested in them
  • To ensure that those who interact with you are comfortable with your identity and your personal behavior, even at the expense of your own comfort
  • To be perfect for everyone else

Yes, some people who are bisexual stay in the closet their entire lives. And yes, living a life that does not feel authentic has terrible effects on virtually all who attempt it, including feeling isolated, unfulfilled, and phony.

Here’s a better choice: find other ways to feel in control of your environment without resorting to self-sacrifice. Develop a practice of self-care. Make choices about yourself that benefit you, and let friends and loved ones manage their own disappointment.

A martyr complex is probably the nicest of all of the complexes, but it isn’t nice to you. And your happiness matters.

Dear Tiggy,

My boyfriend of four months is bisexual and I am gay. I know this because he was open about it from the start. What he was not open about, however, was the fact that for the first two months we dated, he was also sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. She found out about me and told me about their relationship, and about the fact that he had already cheated on her several times with men while they were dating.

The girlfriend has now gone off to college (he’s 19, she’s 18, I’m 25), and the two of us are happy and reported to be monogamous. Problem is, she’s coming back for a fall break in October, and I’m confident they will have sex again every time she’s back in town.

I have no problem with him sleeping with women (trying to be GGG and a supportive boyfriend, giving him the freedom to have fun with parts I do not have) but I don’t want him sleeping with women he was at one point in love with!

Ugh. Am I crazy to be with him? Crazy to deny him sex with the ex? Crazy for dating a 19 year old, when clearly we’re in very different maturity stages in our lives? Part of me wants to leave him because I know this will only lead to future cheating and dishonesty, but I think I love him.

-Luke

I don’t think you’re crazy. In fact, you’ve assessed the situation quite realistically. Most un-crazy monogamish folks have some kind of lines to draw in their relationships, and the boundary that you’re trying to set (i.e. no ex sex) is not unreasonable. You recognize and even articulate that your and his life stages are not aligned and that expecting him to adhere to this (albeit fair) rule is impractical.

No, not crazy at all — or, any more than the lot of us who have been in a similar situation. You’re just human, and hope burns eternal in the human heart. You’re clear-eyed enough to be 99% sure that this is going to end badly but there’s that 1% of you that secretly believes this might work out beautifully unless proven otherwise. It’s unfortunate but it appears that your heart has donned its powdered wig, taken its gavel, and proclaimed that Boyfriend Defendant cannot be convicted without evidence.

Looks like you’re going to have to ride this one out to its probably painful conclusion.

Go easy on yourself. It takes herculean strength — and then some — to say no to love, even stupid love. I predict that when you come out the other end of this, the next time someone dwarfed by your maturity entices you to board this particular merry-go-round, you’ll have the experience to say, “Nope, not again.”

Time to get selfish, Eliza. Or, as the French say, egoiste.


And speaking of French, Amelie adorably shows you how a martyr complex loses its flavor.


Crazy stupid love. Is there any other kind?

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

September 16, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a high school student who came out as bisexual last year to my friends and the news has fairly progressed throughout the school since then. After I came out I had my first girlfriend a year after having my first boyfriend.

People assume I’m just lesbian and that I despise guys but that’s not true. So many people refer to me as gay that I’m starting to tell some people I’m lesbian and some I’m bi. I’ve noticed that I choose depending on how I feel about that person. I don’t know why I’m doing this but it is very conflicting to me.

I have a crush on a guy but I feel like I’m holding myself back from telling him because if something were to happen between us, there would be too many questions about my sexuality and too much drama. What doesn’t help is that everyone tells my ex-boyfriend that he “turned me gay,” not to mention the fact that we are all in one sports team. Help?

-Steph

Being on a team is drama. Basic sociology dictates that humans in a group are going to date each other and break up, and observing teammates have to more or less roll with it. And sports are nothing — you should see what it’s like being in a theatre production. It’s called Drama Club for a reason. Anyway, the truth is that if folks are talking about you, that means they find you intriguing. There are worse things than being popular, sweet Steph. It does stink to get bad PR, though.

Since you’re the one who has the interesting business that everyone else wants to be all up in, you ought to revel in said business. Specifically, focus on this guy you’re after and let the Greek chorus that’s following you fade to background noise. Every time you find yourself getting caught up in the peer analysis of your romantic life: stop, recognize it, and redirect that energy toward the dude. You only have so many hours in the day to care about stuff. Prioritizing your energy is vital.

Let me get a little Wizard of Oz on you for a sec: I believe that you’ve always had the brain, heart, and nerve to address those who are curious about your love life. However, instead of giving you a diploma, a medal, or a watch (which was sort of random…?), I want to give you a phrase: “I’m 100% bisexual.”

The word “hapa” was at one time a slur against people who are part Asian/Pacific Islander and part (an)other race(s), as it comes from the Hawaiian word for “half.” But then a beautiful thing happened: mixed race Asians reclaimed the word and connoted it for the positive. I smile when I see “100% Hapa” bumper stickers, knowing it’s a point of pride. (Can you imagine how rad it is to be a hapa bisexual? That’s 200% hapa in a single person!)

So we’re taking a page out of the hapa book for you today. When someone asks you about your sexuality, just say, “I’m 100% bisexual.” It’s pithy, it’s ironic, it’s self-confident, it says all you need to say. Don Draper would love it. If your curious friend mentions that they heard you identify as a lesbian some days ago, you don’t need to get into your experimentation in advertising yourself to different markets; just say, “I figured it out.” You weren’t lying before (or now) and your sexuality didn’t change, you figured it out. Any further questions can be answered with, “Now, now. A girl has to have some secrets,” and a change of subject to your inquisitor’s love life.

Oh, and the next comment about your ex turning you gay should be met with an eye roll and a muttered, “That joke is so old.” If the person saying it is trying to humiliate your ex in front of the rest of the team, go full throttle and state firmly, “Stop saying that. It’s not true and it’s not funny.” If you can, you should privately say to your ex at some point that no matter what has or will happen since you two were together, nothing is going to change the fact that you liked him. Anyone can say whatever they want because what matters is that you and he know it was real.

But enough about him…go get that new guy.

This movie was about 100% better than the trailer made it look.
P.S. Check the poster’s handle. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

September 2, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Three letters are the charm — and the norm — today in “Ask Tiggy.”

Dear Tiggy,

As a bisexual, is it normal to be attracted to one gender more than another?

-Kaitlyn

Yes, this is normal. Also, being equally attracted to two or more genders is normal. For both of these things, there’s nothing weird about it, there’s nothing wrong with it, you are one of manymanymany humans who feel this way, and neither makes you less bisexual.

Dear Tiggy,

I see myself as a bisexual or pansexual girl. My friend and I were discussing what type of guy looks hottest shirtless. She said she liked the lean type with not too much muscle. Meanwhile, I just couldn’t think of any type I liked most. They all are just shirtless to me; I can’t see anything else and I don’t have a preference.

When it comes to girls, I feel I can be more specific with what I like. Why am I so indifferent to shirtless guys? Is this normal?

-Aleksandra

Yes, this is normal. Your personal trigger-point toward men might be their other parts, physical and otherwise. But your friend is normal, too. Whether or not you are turned on by shirtless men in general is not a litmus test for bisexuality or female heterosexuality.

Attraction is complex: it involves physical, emotional, and behavioral catalysts, and it might change according to your experiences and/or your biology. It all fits under the “normal” tarp. Analyzing it to the hilt will drive you mad, though.

Dear Tiggy,

Is it normal to have attraction to both genders?
If I do have attraction to both genders, does that make God angry?
Is there any religion that allows such a thing?
Are there other people like this, or is it something abnormal that only a few people experience?

I am totally lost. Our society thinks that those who are attracted to their own gender are sick people who should die.

-Bees

Yes, it is normal.

I solemnly, absolutely, positively, 100% guarantee you that it does NOT make God angry.

Yes, there are religions that accept people like us: Metropolitan Community Church, Unitarian Universalists, Quakers, Wiccans, Reform Jews, United Church of Christ, New Age, Reconstructionist Jews, Episcopalians (American Anglicans), Old Catholic Church, Community of Christ (USA, Canada, and Australia), Lutherans, Moravians’ Presbytarians, United Church of Canada, Uniting Church of Australia, United Reform Church of Great Britain, Unity School of Christianity, and Swedenborgian. Buddhists and Hindus vary.

There are many other people all over the world who experience attraction to more than one gender. The bisexual community exists everywhere and we interact with each other regularly in friendship and love.

Bees, please read all of my previous columns. I mean it, read them all. If there are weblinks, click on them. Where they refer you to the Bisexual Resource Center (BRC) website, go there. These are the first, safest steps you can take to grasp a lifeline from the bisexual community. We’re here for you and we know that you are not a sick person. What you’re feeling is not bad, you should not die for it, and God still loves you. I hope as you read my columns you can move toward connecting with the bisexual community in person.

Now, you too can embrace that coveted status, NORMAL, through the most middle-of-the-road trend to hit the middle of the fashion runway: normcore! Let’s all look the part!

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 19, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

July 7, 2014
Dear Tiggy,

I’m 12 and I know for sure that I’m bi, although I like females a little more than I like males. I feel really scared to tell my parents. My family despises the LGBT community and I’m afraid that if I tell them, they’ll never accept me. I am planning on having my principal help me come out to my parents. I go to a Catholic school, so I feel like an outsider. How do I come out to my parents without them treating me differently and how can I be more proud of who I am?

-Kayla

July 8, 2014
Dear Tiggy,

I am planning on coming out to my parents with the help of my principal on October 11 (Coming Out Day) which is a week after my birthday. How do I cope with the negative reaction my parents will have finding out that their 12-year-old daughter is bi? How do I feel proud about being bi in a Catholic school?

-Kayla

July 30, 2014
Dear Tiggy,

I’m 12 years old and I’ll be turning 13 years old in October but I am 110% positive that I’m bi. I go to a Catholic school and I’m really worried about me coming out in that type of environment. I told a couple of my closest friends at school about it and they have become my biggest supporters. My friend helped me talk to my principal about it and she told me to wait until I turn 13 to confirm it.

I still strongly believe that I’m bi but I’m too afraid to tell my parents. My parents aren’t okay with the LGBT community at all so it’s hard for me to deal with the fact that eventually I have to tell them that I’m a part of it. How do I come out in a way for them to accept me and how should I react if they don’t? Also, what are the some pros and cons about coming out?

-Kayla

Kayla, you’ve found my weakness: being relentlessly pursued! I do love a good chase. Well, you finally caught me, you ol’ saucebox, so I think that means I have to grant you three wishes. I hope advice on your three questions will suffice. Fortunately for me, they’re all the same question.

I think the query I get more than any other is “How do I come out?” but it comes in different packages. Most Wild Deuces write to me with just that line and little to no other information. I can’t help those people; coming out is such a personal act and any tips I might have to ensure safety and increase the chances of a positive response would be extremely specific to each situation.

Often when I get that plea, I’m unsure of what the letter writer is really asking. Coming out is not really about the “how.” There are many ways you could come out, whether armed with further educational material or empty-handed, canned or improv, with a bang or a whimper. It’s more about the “why” and the “should I?” — do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks? Again, it’s crucial that the answers are specialized to the coming-outer.

I see that you’ve already answered both “should I?” and “how.” Asking your Catholic school principal for help is a bold move, and rather brilliant. It will be good to have an adult with you to mediate the interaction, and from your description she sounds like a level-headed lady. You’ve also developed a cadre of supporters among your friends, for which you’ll be especially thankful as you work this out with your family.

I understand that you want your parents to accept you and not treat you differently but this is the part where your only option is to adjust your expectations. The fact is, your family is Catholic (I assume) and you know they don’t like LGBT people. There is a small chance that they’ll have an immediate change of heart about queer people once they realize that their beloved child is one. You need to prepare, though, for the more likely possibility that this is going to take a lot of getting used to for them. To be honest, I don’t know if I would have recommended that you come out right now considering how long six more years under their roof and in a Catholic school will feel if they take this badly. But it sounds like you’re determined and you’ve laid some excellent groundwork for your big post-birthday surprise.

Here are a few tips that might be useful:

  • Read the BRC’s “Coming Out As Bi” webpage in the “Youth” section and watch the videos.
  • Get in touch with a queer youth organization in your area to bolster your support network.
  • Read this letter to parents of bi kids. If you think it would be helpful to your parents, print it out and give it to them when you come out.
  • If your parents are struggling with reconciling your bisexuality with their faith, point them toward the Dignity website.
  • As I counseled a Deuce coming out to her college roommate, you should tell them what “bisexual” means to you.
  • Like I told this other Deuce, don’t tell them you think that “everyone is bisexual.” Speak to your own feelings.

They will almost definitely claim that you’re too young to know what your sexuality is and that this is a phase. Probably what would work best is not to engage in the argument at all, simply replying, “I want you to be prepared if it isn’t.”

I think your real question, the real question behind every coming out letter I get, is, “How can I come out so that nothing will change?” You can’t. You can’t make them have the perfect reaction. Life is messy. But you’re opening the door to something more authentic, more magical, more you than you can imagine.

Here’s 13-year-old Jojo encouraging you to Get Out (of the closet). That’s peer support right there.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

August 5, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

My boyfriend of two years just came out to me as bisexual. I’m really confused because we’ve had an excellent sex life for a year and a half. We’ve also had an excellent relationship. It’s the strongest either of us have ever been in.

When he told me of his bisexuality, I told him that I would give him a free pass to try being with a guy. I gave him a few stipulations, like that he can’t have full out sex with him and he has to tell me immediately afterwards what he was thinking and feeling — every possible thing he can think of. I also said I didn’t really want them to be friends because it would make me feel really hurt. He vehemently refused this free pass although I’ve offered it to him three times now.

He wants to marry me and isn’t interested in expressing the attraction he has to men. I don’t know what to think or do! I love him, he loves me, and we are both 100% devoted to each other, but I don’t think I’ll be completely comfortable again in our relationship until I know what he wants. He says he only wants me and no one else.

Please help. I’m falling apart over here. I’m terrified he’ll get bored and leave me because he’ll decide he likes men more. He is my first everything so I feel this incredibly deep emotional attachment to him. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him.

-Megan

This relaxation exercise should help: become aware of the muscles in your right pinky finger. Relax them until your pinky goes limp. Do the same with your left pinky; both are now loose and free. Repeat with your ring fingers, middle fingers, and index fingers. As you complete the exercise by slackening your thumbs and palms…

…you should be able to unclasp your hands from around your boyfriend’s throat.

Your “free pass” is not free. The price he pays is your getting to set the precise parameters for the sexual activity he is allowed to engage in and the relationship he is allowed to have with his sexual partner after their encounter (i.e. none). And, of course, he must do an exhaustive brain dump for you so that you can Thought Police him.

Your “free pass” is not a pass. It’s an order. It’s not for your boyfriend; he doesn’t want it. It’s for you, so you can convince yourself that he’s gotten it out of his system. You want him to exorcise this demon under tightly controlled conditions so that you can go forward in life without the slightest worry that he’ll ever leave you. You’re projecting your insecurities onto him and then trying to fix them by fixing him. Not only does it not work but it’s also no way to treat a fellow sentient being, much less someone you purport to love.

The bisexuality element of the situation is easy. He doesn’t feel the need to be with other men in the same way that you don’t feel the need to be with other men. Bisexuals are as capable of monogamy as anyone else. He has told you that he does not want to explore that part of his sexuality with someone else; it’s on you that you don’t believe him.

The part you’re playing here is a much larger cause for concern than bisexuality. You’re acting out of fear and ignorance*, and your controlling behavior could be a precursor for abuse. Healthy partners come to terms with the fact that life offers no guarantees and control is almost always an illusion. He may think he wants to marry you but the harsh reality is that you’re not nearly emotionally ready.

The best thing you can do right now is get to a place where you know that if you split up for any reason, you’d be OK. Really, I promise you: you would be OK. He’ll still be your first everything, you will keep a special place for him in your heart forever, but you would eventually move on with your life. I’m not saying this because I think you’re going to break up. I’m saying this because your refusal to believe that you’d survive it is starting to turn you into a monster.

*To address this: scroll up, click on “Back to the BRC website” and read.

 
Just have sex with a guy, then put on this Christopher Walken headset so I can experience your every thought and feeling about it, and we’ll never have another problem. Easy peasy.

© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 22, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

On this fine two-fer Tuesday, Tiggy tips her fascinator to the wonderful gay men in our bi lives.

Dear Tiggy,

My queer friend keeps serving me up the “everyone’s a little bisexual” line. As a bisexual, this phrase annoys me both as a form of bi erasure (because if everyone’s bisexual, no one is) and also because I think it’s simply not true (i.e. I have met people who were Kinsey 0s or 6s).

But I have trouble just telling him to cut it out because I think he uses this as a discreet way to identify himself. Although he tells people he’s gay, he’s not a solid “Kinsey 6” and still has some attraction to women. This is his way of showing that part of himself, although he’s so predominantly attracted to men that the bisexual label doesn’t fit for him.

My question is, how can I tell my friend that I find this line problematic while giving him space to express his identity?

-Leanne

Hmm. Sounds like you might be a bisexual. Your friend, well…he’s another story.

There’s a maxim that was reputedly first made popular by legal philosopher Zechariah Chafee, Jr. in the late nineteenth century: “Your right to swing your arms ends just where the other man’s nose begins.” In your friend’s case, he’s welcome to identify himself however he likes but he doesn’t have the right to speak for anyone else.

After all, how could he possibly know whether everyone is a little bisexual? And doesn’t each individual have as much right to identify zirself as he does, even if that identity is “not bisexual in the least”?

The next time it comes up, you might say to him privately, “Hey, just so you know, the bisexual community frowns on the whole ‘Everyone is bisexual’ theory because it actually erases bisexuality as a valid identity. I just wanted to give you a heads-up so you don’t say it in front of the wrong person.” The mention of the bisexual community is critical, as it might get him thinking about bis as a discrete cultural group unto ourselves.

You’re kind to let him flail about as he settles on his sexuality but you’ll be doing both him and yourself a favor in letting him know when he inadvertently whacks you in the schnoz.

Dear Tiggy,

My best friend is a gay guy. I’m a bi girl. When we’re together we talk about cute boys nonstop and queer things in general, but I get this weird complex: I don’t talk about my girl crushes very often because he’s not interested, or at least he can’t relate. I feel like he thinks of me as some kind of “fag hag” — the straight girl along for the queer fun ride.

How do I get my friend to recognize me as equally queer as him?

-Kara

Let’s start by giving him the benefit of the doubt. Did he indicate that he isn’t interested in hearing about your girl crushes or did you assume that’s the case? Sure, he can’t relate to liking girls romantically, but he can relate to love — and to you, his friend. Truly, most of us enjoy dating gossip from friends no matter what gender the crush in question is. We just want dirt.

It also might be that he senses a hesitation from you and doesn’t want to push you to talk about girls if that makes you uncomfortable. Sort of a self-perpetuating cycle, isn’t it? Welp, there’s only one Wild Deuce who can break it, and that’s you, Miss Kara. Make an effort to insert some girl-talk into your conversations with him and give him a chance to be receptive.

If you’re both relatively young, it might be hard for you to carve out a queer identity without constantly crashing into each other. He might think he has to fit a certain stereotype in which he plays mascot to a feminine hag; you could be stuck thinking that because you’re bi, you have to prove to everyone else that you’re worthy of the “queer” label. I think it would help both of you to find additional queer friends, even if they’re just online. Once you start to see all the different kinds of queer people who don’t necessarily fit a mold, and you realize that you don’t need each other to fulfill your every single queer need, you can relax a bit.

What is love? Between a gay guy and a bi gal, it’s THIS.


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

July 8, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Settle in, Wild Deuces, for another two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!

Dear Tiggy,

Today I was called a “miserable dyke” by someone who doesn’t even know I’m bi. No one but strangers on the Internet do.

Do you have any suggestions on how to cope with such negative energy and finding the courage to come out even if people won’t accept me?

-Bi Girl

To be honest, one thing I’ve learned from being bisexual is that feeling hated is actually rather freeing. When it seems that you can’t please anyone, there’s not a thing stopping you from doing what you know to be right for yourself. Evidently, people are going to call you a dyke whether they know you’re queer or not. Under circumstances like that, you might as well come out on your own terms.

It’s understandable to want to wait until you think the world is ready to accept you before you come out. Unfortunately, depending on your immediate environment and where you set the bar for acceptance, your current wait time is somewhere between exceedingly long and forever. Better, I think, to come out when it’s more comfortable to be out than not.

When you make friends who are queer, socializing with and supporting each other, it starts to feel like more of a hassle to be closeted. When you date someone special and want the world to know — as does ze* — coming out begins to look attractive. As these people become a part of your life, you begin to internalize the good things about being LGBT, and you’re suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of hiding an authentic facet of yourself that isn’t bad at all.

If you feel the comfort scale tip to the other side of the closet door, that’s when it’s time. You have a lot of agency in making that happen. Reach out to the bi community and give us a chance to reach back.

Dear Tiggy,

I have been in a same-sex relationship for three years; my mother does not approve. However, I have been able to keep my love life and my family life separate.

Now that I am 31 years old (i.e. not getting any younger!), it is getting to me that these two parts of my life have almost no interaction. It feels like a juggling act that has been going on for way too long.

My dilemma is, I love my girlfriend but I also love my mother. I have trouble swallowing the usual advice that I get – “It’s your life and you should do what you want” – because I want my mother in my life just as much as my girlfriend.

Should I sacrifice my relationship with my girlfriend? I am attracted to guys as well, and figure I would be able to eventually find someone. But I don’t want to regret my decision later. I know there isn’t a clear cut answer on this one but…HELP!

-KT

Quite a different situation from our friend above, and yet the advice holds. You’ve kept your worlds discrete so far because it’s the least unpleasant choice among your admittedly less-than-ideal options. Or it was. It sounds like your life isn’t very pleasant anymore.

In your position, the partner is typically a main driver in bringing the situation to a head because ze refuses to be treated like a dirty little secret. Many times, the onus is on them to make the closeted one uncomfortable because otherwise nothing will change. It doesn’t sound like your girlfriend has pressured you in that way, though. It makes me sad to see you describing your relationship with her as if it were disposable. I wonder if she senses that you feel that way and that’s why she hasn’t pushed you to intermingle your worlds.

If you do break up with her, I think you might be surprised at how little control you have over falling in love again. You may well fall for another woman; then what will you do? And even if you connect with a man or stay single, that pain of not being able to be your whole self with your mother may always be there.

In the same way that your girlfriend might not have enough faith in your relationship to push you to come out to your family, I think you might not be confident that your mother loves you enough to remain in your life if you’re out. That, too, makes me sad.

I think you need to reframe this in your mind: it isn’t a choice between your girlfriend and your mother. This is much bigger than that. It’s between living your life with integrity vs. having to contort yourself to keep someone’s love. It’s about giving your mother an opportunity to love the real you. I think you need a therapist to help you through these feelings, preferably one who specializes in bi clients and/or family dynamics. They can help you decide how uncomfortable is enough.

*gender-neutral pronoun

It’s OK to say “when”.
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Let the Four Tops give it to you like this, Bi Girl.


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 24, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

It’s a two-fer Tuesday with Tiggy!

Dear Tiggy,

I recently discovered that I’m bisexual. However, I live in Pakistan. Here, sexuality is hardly discussed and, in many cases, considered taboo. I want to know more about myself and my sexuality. Can you please advise me on how to do that in a safe, open way?

-Nora

Yes: read! This column from a couple years ago suggests bi magazines (print and online) and Facebook pages. Allow me to add to the list Bisexual Bloggers’ Facebook page which connects you to some excellent electronic reading material. And if you like Tumblr, you’re in luck: bisexual scholar and author of Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution Shiri Eisner created quite a rundown of bi Tumblr blogs to follow. Note that one of them is Bisexual Books, which will give you even more to read. (Although Shiri somehow left off the best Tumblr blog of all — You Might Be A Bisexual — I am willing to convict her of mere temporary insanity when she finally throws herself on the mercy of the Upland court.)

But the thing I’d most like you to read, the tome that’ll knock your bisexual socks off, is an anthology called Getting Bi edited by Robyn Ochs and Sarah Rowley. The book consists of over 200 personal essays from bisexuals on what it feels like to be one of us. The authors come from 42 different countries (!) and offer a wide range of experiences and feelings, so I have no doubt that you’ll find multiple stories that resonate with you. It is incredibly validating to read this book and feel that connection to fellow bisexuals around the world.

At some point, you’ll want to get out of the library and meet other bisexuals in person. These readings will give you tips on how others have done that, even in places like Pakistan. Until then, get to surfing and hitting the stacks!

Dear Tiggy,

I identify as a bisexual but I am not completely sure whether I am, seeing as I have only had sex with men. I messed around with women when I was younger and enjoyed it but still have yet to have sex.

I guess my question is: will I know whether I’m bi after I have sex with a woman? Or am I already?

-Bryan

P.S. I’m from Texas and, yeah, homophobia ERRVERYWHERE.

I really don’t think having sex with a woman will help you know any more than you know now. It might give you a bit more confidence, but in a “Dumbo’s feather” kind of way. And even that’s not guaranteed.

Generally speaking, having sex to prove something is a bad reason to do it. Consider the feelings of your would-be lady lover: do you think she’ll enjoy knowing that you shared a sexual experience with her solely to “qualify” as a bisexual? Probably not, eh?

Also: would that prove it? If you read the post from last bi-week, you’ll see that I disagreed with the letter writer’s predatory friend on this very idea. Wouldn’t it just make you the guy who only had sex with a woman to prove he wasn’t totally gay? And wouldn’t that fact make you seem…more gay? Additionally, I imagine you’d soon decide that this event wasn’t enough “proof” because now you’re the guy who only had sex with a woman once. Where does that slippery slope end?

Plenty of people don’t have sex with partners who are complementary to their sexuality — or do have sex with partners who aren’t — but it doesn’t change who they are. One’s sexual identity is complex and nuanced, far moreso than anything that can be determined with a simple litmus test; that’s why you’re the only one who can identify yourself.

If you want to feel like a real bisexual, I have a much better idea than a fleeting romp: read Robyn Ochs’s other anthology, Recognize: The Voices of Bisexual Men. You’ll find bunches of men who are just like you, as well as others who have had different experiences but consider themselves no less bi than the next bi guy. Join the rest of us on pins and needles until the book is published this September. I promise it’ll be worth it.

Take a look, it’s in a book, a reading rainbow.


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.

June 10, 2014

Posted on by asktiggy

Dear Tiggy,

I am a 27-year-old male and never thought about being gay or bisexual. I always said I have no problem if someone else is as long as they are happy.

About three months ago, I met a psychic who insists that I am bisexual. (She herself is bi.) I tend to overthink so, for a month, I ruminated on this and was in a serious depression. I tried my best to remember my thoughts and feelings on sexuality throughout the years and nothing made sense.

I spoke to a friend who is married with a child and says he is bi. This guy admits to having a crush on me for years. I’ve tried to be a good friend to him because he’s had a hard life. His solution and only solution to my sexuality dilemma is that I have to try sex with another man.

As far as I know, I’ve never been attracted to a guy in that way — i.e. never said that a guy is hot, never wanted to kiss a man, etc. My friend said he went through the same thing and I must try it because rationalizing it doesn’t work. I was very close to trying it because I kept thinking about it…it was basically stuck in my brain. I would look at guys trying to see if I’m attracted to them, I looked at gay porn, I did almost everything to determine whether I like sex with men, except trying it. I was on the verge of suicide because it bothered me so much and I’ve been a bit depressed lately.

I am going to a therapist now and I’m doing much better. I do believe I’m straight. I have a girlfriend who is trying to help me through this. We were talking about getting married and having children before all this but I held up that process because this needed to be dealt with. I love her, and I’ve had prior relationships and sex with women which I enjoyed.

I’m seeking an unbiased opinion. I’ve thought about being with a man so much that I almost thought I am bi but I have no attraction to men. When I talk to my friend, he seems to mean well but I get really depressed so I blocked all contact with him.

His reasons for knowing I am bisexual are as follows:

  • I used to flirt with him (I cannot remember this)
  • I help my mother
  • I do not sleep around with women even though I have the opportunity
  • I do not wear my pants down by my butt
  • I have gay coworkers that I get along with
  • I looked at gay porn to see if I had a response

What is your opinion? Thank you so much.

-Mason

There is nothing in this list or your letter that even remotely indicates that you are bisexual. In fact, to say that any of these bulleted items have to do with sexual orientation is absurd.

Keeping in mind that depression and anxiety are different sides of the same coin, it’s possible that your depression triggered obsessive behaviors surrounding your anxiety toward bisexuality. A column I wrote this past spring may shed more light on that for you. It might also be that the thing you’re really anxious about is that your relationship is on its way to marriage and kids. Perhaps you subconsciously transferred the object of your worries to your sexuality in order to have an excuse to put the wedding on hold. In any case, I have to tell you, Mason: I’m a little bit worried about you, buddy. Not for anything having to do with sexuality, but because you seem to be highly suggestible and it’s left you vulnerable to nefarious characters.

Take, for example, this psychic you visited. I don’t believe in psychics but I’m hoping that in time, you will agree with me that at least this particular one is a charlatan. I’m not sure what she even gets out of convincing you that you’re bisexual — maybe camaraderie, if she has no fellow bisexual friends? Or a guaranteed repeat-customer, because she thinks you’ll keep coming back to see what other unlikely things she’ll divine for you? Regardless, you have logic on your side (e.g. you’ve never been attracted to men) while all she has is a “vision,” which anyone can make up. And yet, you doubted yourself.

Worse still is this so-called friend who is preying on you with the obvious motive of having sex with you. He says he’s into you, he gives the most cockamamie reasons I’ve ever heard to “prove” your bisexuality, and insists that the only way you’ll know your sexuality for sure is — surprise! (not!) — to have sex with him. This selfish schemer is more transparent than the damned Windex factory…and yet, once again, you doubted yourself.

I certainly don’t wish for you to transform into a crusty old cynic but people who haven’t honed their critical thinking skills are often chosen as marks by domineering individuals bent on exploitation. A post on the blog Band Back Together discusses what psychological manipulation looks like and the characteristics of people typically targeted. Take a look…would you say any of these apply to you?

  • A desire to please and earn the approval and acceptance of others
  • Naivete (the victim doesn’t want to believe that anyone is cunning or ruthless and may be in denial of own victimhood)
  • A fear of negative emotions
  • Over-internationalization (believing what the manipulator says to be true, which can result in self-doubt or shame)
  • Excessive empathy (the victim tries really hard to understand the point of view of the manipulator and believes the manipulator has a justifiable reason to be hurtful)
  • Over-conscientiousness (victim is too willing to give the manipulator the benefit of the doubt)
  • Low self-confidence (victim lacks the ability to say no, doubts themselves, lacks confidence)
  • Emotional dependency (the victim has a dependent or submissive personality)
  • Low emotional skills (when the victim does not understand his or her emotional self well, they misinterpret feelings)

It might be helpful if you and your therapist concentrated on this rather than on your sexuality. If you’re so inclined, pick up a copy of what Skeptic magazine called a critical thinking classic: Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Thomas E. Kida. It will help you avoid people like your “friend” who is playing mind games with you to get you into bed.

If I haven’t been clear enough yet: that guy is not your friend. He’s a jerk and you should stay far, far away from him, I don’t care how hard his life has been. I’m sad that two of the bisexuals you’ve met so far have been rather sinister, but I swear on a stack of elegant coffeetable books that most of us are kind and delightful.

Trust yourself, Mason. You have more of the answers than you think.

Puppeteers, be gone with your strings! Tiggy banishes you with three magic words.


© 2014 Tiggy Upland. Tiggy Upland reserves the right to use all submitted queries anonymously, in any medium.